Archived Story

The wrongest side of history

Published 12:25pm Thursday, July 18, 2013

This week’s tale is a horror story about lessons learned by the GOP from the 2012 presidential election. And those teachable moments are… nothing. Zero. Zip. Nada. Empty voids.

“Hear the hollow roar of the Pod People. See them lash out at the unknown. Feel their blind terror of a future they don’t understand. It’s Son of the Bride of the Attack of the Robot Amnesiacs! Part 6.”

They say one sign of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Which means it can’t be long before the entire Republican Party is institutionalized for their own safety, shuffling around in shabby bathrobes popping a daily regimen of psychotropic pills in miniature Dixie cups. Falling asleep during games of checkers. Which, admittedly, is redundant.

The contraction of the party into a hard, white stone nugget the size of a peach pit is almost complete. Inclusion? Heresy! Generosity? Hah, we spit on your generosity! And fie on your benevolence. Compassion? Grace? Sympathy? Tolerance? More liberal plots solely designed to destroy the lives of decent God-fearing people. Just like science and education and the EPA.

Fueled by the fiery core of Tea Party Irregulars, the GOP futilely pursues an agenda intended to replicate a simpler time gone past. An imaginary simpler time gone past.

Right now, from Texas to Wisconsin to Florida to North Dakota, coordinated efforts are rolling back anything that smells like a societal advance. Voting rights. The control of women over their own bodies. The freedom to marry any person you love. Equal access to health care.

The Republicans are undergoing an overhaul to remake themselves the Party of the ‘50s. The 1750s.

These guys have assumed multiple positions so far on the wrong side of history they probably see dinosaurs chewing on extinct ferns in their backyards. Going to end up with La Brea Tar Pit fossils as their only friends.

Their theme song — straight from the movie “Horsefeathers,” by Groucho Marx: “Whatever it is, I’m against it.” Should really adopt the woolly mammoth to replace the elephant as their mascot. Maybe the Dodo Bird.

Furthermore, the stated plans of John Boehner’s House majority now involve slowing down immigration reform. Of course, “slowing down” is simply another euphemism for “getting rid of.” “Termination with extreme prejudice.” “Buried so deep in committee, you wouldn’t be able to find it with a thousand Klieg lights and a molecular microscope.” Not hard to imagine the next order of business is to mandate American housewives wash their clothes in the creek.

One fact never addressed, their record — not really one to write home about. Unless your home is on Failure Avenue. Stubborn Street. Contrary Court. Wayward Way.

Think about it. Conservatives have opposed every single major advancement in human rights over the last 200 years. Freeing the slaves. Women getting the vote. Minimum wage. Child-labor laws. Medicare. Social Security. Obamacare. Miniskirts. Arugula. Jazz.

So that’s their back-to-the-future track. Morphing into the modern equivalent of the Whig Party. The sepia-toned, Sansabelt slacks-wearing, Tin Pan Alley-listening, rabbit ears-adjusting, blacksmithing, coal-powered, buggy-whipped, daguerreotype party. Sitting all by themselves in an outhouse with a Sears catalogue and black-and-white dreams of separate but equal water fountains as only their companions.

 

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. He is a familiar pundit on television and radio. Email Will at durst@caglecartoons.com.

 

 

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  • keta

    two people here, mother and child, and want to protect both
    ———————————————————–

    Republicans, if you want to protect children, why defund Head Start, gut the public education budget, shut down health services in poor communities, fight to keep wages low, and so on and on and on? Why keep initiating policies that devastate the children you’re so anxious to “protect’? Ridiculous.

    (Report comment)

  • keta

    Not sure what “eugenic abortions are extremely common in Britain”, or statistics from foreign countries published in right-to-life screeds have to do with legislation in Texas. In the United States, most women seeking abortions are young and poor. Many of them choose abortion simply because of the circumstances of their lives. They shouldn’t have to hope for a loophole, like a medical condition, in order to be allowed ownership of their own bodies. That’s pretty basic, the right to control one’s own body. Now, this is where the opposition says, “They should have thought of that before they had unprotected sex”. Newsflash: Sex isn’t just for procreation. Millions of people with no resources whatsoever for raising children do it all the time. Many pro-birth people believe that a grisly death on some quack’s kitchen table is a fair price for the poor to pay for being unwilling to procreate. I don’t.

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    • mikehaney

      Many pro-birth people believe that a grisly death on some quack’s kitchen table is a fair price for the poor to pay for
      being unwilling to procreate. I don’t.
      ————————————–
      No, pro-birth people are seeing two people here, mother and child, and want to protect both.
      Procreation already happened.

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  • mikehaney

    According to Terzo’s analysis, “The study surveyed hundreds of women to discover the reasons why they had second-trimester abortions (abortions done between 14 and 27 weeks).”

    The Obstetrics and Gynecology study found that 31.4% of women who came in for a second-trimester abortion had had at least one previous second-trimester abortion. Referring to the women in the study, Terzo writes, “Nearly one third of the women who had second-trimester abortions [and] became pregnant again waited until the second trimester a second time, and then aborted again.”

    Among the discoveries, according to Terzo, is that

    · 45% had trouble finding an abortion provider

    · 37% were unsure of date of last menstrual period

    · 30% had difficulty deciding on abortion

    Eugenic abortions are extremely common in Britain with the net for what qualifies as being “seriously handicapped” cast very widely.—University of California San Francisco

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  • mickakers

    keta; As a PS: Nobody has the right to commit murder, Man or Woman.

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  • mickakers

    keta; Please do a search on; when does human life begin. Click on When Does Human Life Begin – Association Of Pro-Life Physicians. I think you might find this interesting and worthy of thought.

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  • keta

    along with Women’s Rights comes Women’s Responsibilities
    ———————————————————–

    It’s not a women’s issue anymore, even in Texas. The crowd of thousands of protesters at the state capital in Austin last week included a lot of men who loathe the idea of state intervention in their families’ business. They think parenthood should be voluntary, that reproductive choice is a human right, and that the women in their lives have the right to the integrity and autonomy of their own bodies. Things like forcing women to have unnecessary ultrasounds as punishment for seeking an abortion infuriates them, and it should. The Texas Taliban and our own governor Kasich’s hijinks here in Ohio are reminding women of something important: that we can’t take our eyes off the ball for a second, or we’ll be forced back into second class citizenship in no time flat. I didn’t “fail to grasp the meaning of your story”. You fail to understand that you don’t have the right to impose your views on families who don’t share them.

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  • mickakers

    keta; I fear you failed to grasp the meaning of my story. All unborn children regardless of their health condition have the basic right to life. God only knows what contribution they will make to society in general. Also, along with Women’s Rights comes Women’s Responsibilities.

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  • keta

    what is the moral difference between what Kermit Gosnell did
    ———————————————————–

    Oh, please. FOX News is wearing Gosnell’s name out, as though abortion providers are all Gosnells, dispensing Oxycontin like aspirin, and storing fetuses everywhere in jars and cartons. Gosnell is a maniac, imprisoned for life. There is an ironic parallel where Gosnell is concerned, though. In states like Texas, which is effectively reducing the number of safe providers to about five, Gosnell clones are about to resurface. Women with financial resources will travel in comfort to a safe provider, and survive the experience. Poor women will take a few hundred dollars to a ratty motel and meet someone with dirty fingernails and a plastic sheet, just like the old days. Republican policies always hurt the poor, with no exceptions.

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    • mikehaney

      –and meet someone with dirty fingernails and a plastic sheet
      —————-
      Then Gosnell will have someone to talk to in jail.

      (Report comment)

  • mikehaney

    Evading the question: what is the moral difference between what Kermit Gosnell did and what takes place in a “late” abortion?

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  • keta

    Mick, I’ve always understood that the experience you describe continues to inform your views and your politics. Your love and commitment were unquestioning and unquestionable. The subject at hand, though, is Texas’s new law. Texas – where there are more uninsured kids and more low-wage jobs than in any other state in the union. If you were poor and uninsured and had other small children to care for, you’d have to seriously consider what would be best for your family. For anyone else – ANYONE else – to insert themselves into that painful process is insane.

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  • mickakers

    keta; As an interesting PS: The first time they showed us how to milk the opening on his side, in order to get all the urine out and keep it from getting infected, I passed out. From then on, they would not allow me in the room when they were teaching a new procedure for his care. They said one patient at a time was enough for them to handle, they would instruct my wife and she could teach me. Women are rather strong, ya know!

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  • mickakers

    keta; I had a son, his name was John Fredrick, he was born April 10th 1967 and died August 11th 1968 at 16 months of age. Johnny was born with congenital heart problems, had only one kidney and it did not function properly, he urinated from a surgical opening in his side (had to wear two diapers). He was born at Our Lady Of Bellefonte Hospital and immediately transferred to Children’s Hospital in Columbus (his second home), we lived in Ironton. I would not trade these sixteen months for anything. He was one of the most loving and happy babies I have ever seen. Two thirds of his time was spent with us in Ironton and the other third at Children’s, a lot of driving. He taught us so much.

    (Report comment)

  • keta

    local conservatives watched with pride
    ———————————————————–

    Yes, conservative Texans love them some Rick Perry. They’re conservative Texans, duh. When Perry’s hilarious performance as a presidential candidate was broadcast 24/7, when he got stomped by the likes of Herman Cain, they didn’t love him any less. Now their buttons are busting with pride as he outlaws abortion in Texas after 20 weeks. Let’s consider that. 20 weeks is five months. Why on earth do the few women who have abortions after 20 weeks do such a thing? They’re five months along, wearing maternity clothes, and one day they just decide, nah…changed my mind? Of course not. 20 weeks is the point at which sonograms and ultrasounds are administered. That’s when you know about serious birth defects, missing limbs and organs, heart and brain anomalies. Heartrending choices are made, and those choices are nobody’s business but the parents’. They’re certainly none of Rick Perry’s business. There’s a hundred percent chance that Perry will never be pregnant, nor will you, mikehaney, or Mick Akers, or any of the male politicians who are eagerly jumping on this opportunity to suck up to the most reliable of voters – rightards. Mainstream republicans are wringing their hands as they write off women and minorities forever. Brilliant.

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    • mikehaney

      Why on earth do the few women who have abortions after 20 weeks do such a thing? They’re five months along, wearing maternity clothes, and one day they just decide, nah…changed my mind? Of course not. 20 weeks is the point at which sonograms and ultrasounds are administered. That’s when you know about serious birth defects, missing limbs and organs, heart and brain anomalies. Heartrending choices are made, and those choices are nobody’s business but the parents’.
      ——————
      Well, we know one person believes the above.

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  • mikehaney

    Governor Rick Perry has signed his name tens of thousands of times — but rarely is it more gratifying than today. Just by picking up his pen and signing a bill, the Governor of Texas protected women and saved countless young lives. Despite everything the Left threw at him (and would have thrown, if the police hadn’t intervened), local conservatives watched with pride as Texas joined the growing coalition of states listening to voters and moving to protect innocent unborn children.

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  • mikehaney

    Will durst-Right now, from Texas to Wisconsin to Florida to North Dakota, coordinated efforts are rolling back anything that smells like a societal advance. Voting rights. The control of women over their own bodies. The freedom to marry any person you love. Equal access to health care. –
    ——————————-
    The angel of darkness loves the democrats.

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  • keta

    Mainstream republicans – people who can get things done and win national elections – are as guilty as their wingnut brethren. They courted the crazies, riled them up to insure their vote, were afraid to speak out against even the creepiest and most ignorant. Their effort to keep minorities from voting is pathetic, and their attack on women is just plain stupid. Those things keep the wingnut base happy, but it’s obvious that angry old white men are through determining the outcome of our elections. Sow the wind, reap the whirlwind.

    (Report comment)

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