Archived Story

Goober meets lawyer on his farm during offseason

Published 1:33am Friday, August 30, 2013

Whoooo weeee. I is back!

But I gots to tell ya, it’s been a crazy summer.

Sees, I gots this property out yonder in the country and this summer a big Columbus lawyer went duck hunting on my land. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into my field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, I drove up on my tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator answered, “I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

I told him to hold on a minute. “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

I just smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Ironton and Lawrence County. We settle small disagreements like this with the Three Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Three Kick Rule?”

I told him, “Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.”

The young, physically fit, well-built attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take an old hayseed like Goober. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

I slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. My first kick planted the toe of my heavy steel-toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. My second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when my third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a pile of mud.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, “Okay, now it’s my turn.”

But Ol’ Goob just smiled and said, “Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”

I tell ya, those Columbus folks just quack me up.

Ennywho, here goes the first week of the regular season.

Wheelersburg at Ironton: There ain’t no way the Fightin’ Tigers kin win. The Pirates is thinkin’ state title. Ironton 28, Wheelersburg 24.

Meigs at Coal Grove: Hornets can find the end zone ’cause it says “X Markins” the spot. Coal Grove 24, Meigs 19.

Minford at Rock Hill: The Redmen have a lot back. The Falcons have even more. Minford 28, Rock Hill 21.

Oak Hill at Chesapeake: The Oaks find out that this ain’t no stroll through the Meadows (Chad and Brad). Chesapeake 26, Oak Hill 7.

Fairland at Portsmouth West: I can’t ever git this one right. No matter how I picks it, the other team wins. So, how ‘bout…Ports. West 22, Fairland 21.

Fleming County at South Point: Sprrrread the word. The Pointers are gonna spread the field. South Point 22, Fleming County 8.

Eastern at Symmes Valley: The Vikings have all their players lined up in a Rowe. Tyler Rowe, that is. Symmes Valley 18, Eastern 14.

Green at Manchester: When pickin’ between Bobcats and Greyhounds, ya has to go with the mean cat. Green 27, Manchester 20.

OTHERS: Racine Southern over River Valley; Lucasville Valley over Portsmouth; Bishop Hartley over Amanda-Clearcreek; Raceland over Ashland; Russell over Greenup County; Piketon over Waverly; Northwest over Southeastern; Portsmouth Notre Dame over Chillicothe Ross; Sciotoville East over South Gallia; Jackson over Wellston; Athens over Gallipolis; Lancaster over Logan; Parkersburg over Warren; Johnstown-Monroe over Chillicothe.

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