Archived Story

Goober tries to help stop man from jumping

Published 1:47am Thursday, September 5, 2013

I wuz up in Columbus last week to do some shoppin’ since they had possum bait on sale. And with Thanksgiving just around the corner, I couldn’t pass up the deal.

But as I wuz walkin’ downtown there was some people gathered in front of a tall building and a man standin’ on the ledge.

No one wuz doin’ ennything so I yelled to the man, “Stop! Ya gots to remember you’re someone who has value.”

The man yelled back down at me, “I just lost everything in the stock market!”

I thought a second and then said, “But remember how important you are to your wife.”

He replied loudly, “She divorced me and took everything I had that was not in the stock market. I’m virtually homeless.”

Man, this wuz gittin’ difficult. “What about your children? You have to think about your children.”

“They never call,” said the man.

Wow. This guy had it bad. Then I said, “What about your parents? You don’t want to do this to your parents.”

“They’re both dead and I don’t have any siblings. I’m alone in the world.”

This wuz gittin desperate so I had to use my ace in the hole.

“But think about all the Buckeye football games you will miss.”

The man shouted back, “But I’m a Michigan fan.”

To which ol’ Goob said, “What in the world are you waitin’ fer. Jump, man, jump!”

Fortunately fer him, he wuz a Michigan fan so when he went to jump he leaped the wrong way back into the building.

Ennywho, it wuz a typical first week. Ya just don’t know much about most teams, but I think I got a handle on it. I wuz 13-9 so I needs to improve. Here goes week two.

Russell at Ironton: Usually when these teams git together with their runnin’ attacks, the games don’t take too long to play. Ironton 26, Russell 22.

Coal Grove at Wheelersburg: The field belongs to the Pirates, but the Hornets needs to own the clock. Wheelersburg 35, Coal Grove 28.

Rock Hill at Gallipolis: After last week’s 62-19 loss, Gallipolis might be the Black and Blue Devils. Look fer some offense. Gallipolis 32, Rock Hill 27.

Wayne at Chesapeake: It’s nice to have a couple of home games after last season, but who invited these guys to visit? Wayne 26, Chesapeake 14.

Meigs at Fairland: Make sure all the bulbs are workin’ in the scoreboard. Fairland 45, Meigs 38.

South Point at Wellston: The Pointers has the offense but and they is about to learn about life on the road. South Point 22, Wellston 21.

Symmes Valley at Southeastern: The one thing that makes a long drive somewhere seem shorter comin’ home is to win. Vikings should make quick time of this trip. Symmes Valley 27, Southeastern 12.

Green at Millersport: They might be the Lakers, but don’t confuse their offense with the L.A. Lakers. Green 24, Millersport 20.

OTHERS: Portsmouth over Portsmouth West; Oak Hill over Alexander; Jackson over Waverly; Sciotoville East over Northwest; Minford over Grandview Heights; Hartley over Coldwater; St. Charles over Eastmoor; Ports. Notre Dame over Harvest Prep; Raceland over Boyd County; George Washington over Ashland.

 

Gridiron Goober is a self-proclaimed high school football expert who shares his vast knowledge and picks each week, all while offering a hmorous take on the world of sports.

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