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Holiday Blues
Tips on how to keep the season a happy one
Published Saturday, November 28, 2009
For many, the holiday season brings the hope of get-togethers with family and friends, special church services or the expectation of that wonderful gift. For others, the holidays can be less than joyous or even downright painful.
Two area counselors share their thoughts on surviving this holiday season.
The root of the problem
For some families, the holiday dinner table is a time to reconnect. For others, what should be a happy time becomes a hurtful one when family members just can’t seem to get along.
Mike Haney, director of Behavioral Health for Our Lady of Bellefonte Hospital, said there are reasons families tend to fuss at the holiday functions. One of them gives credence to the old adage “familiarity breeds contempt.”
“You know each other, you know each other’s faults and it’s easy to pick,” Haney explained.
He said when the fussing starts, families need to remember why they came together in the first place: Because these people sitting around the holiday table are a family.
Another reason for fights and bickering is that one person wants to have that Kodak holiday moment, when the tree is perfect, the meal is perfect, the kids are all well-behaved and everyone is smiling and happy and reality never quite lives up to all their expectations.
Haney said those who plan the celebrations need to remember that holidays are not made and should not be marred by the quest for perfection.
“The people you are inviting over know you. You don’t have to put on airs. So don’t drive yourself crazy to trying to make everything just-so,” he said.
Booze and the bickering family
One of the most common causes of holiday angst is substance abuse. The inability of one family member to confine his or her alcohol consumption to an acceptable limit leaves the rest of the family frustrated or angry.
Haney said it is important for family members to set limits — if a loved one tends to drink too much, don’t feel the need to accept their subsequent behavior.
“You want to offer help and support but if they’re not going to get help, set limits, even if this is your parent, your child. Insist on them doing it elsewhere. He suggested family members having to deal with the substance abusing loved one seek guidance and support through such groups as Al-Anon. And he said it is okay to avoid those who don’t know when to say when.
“It’s not being selfish to protect yourself and your family,” Haney said.
Haney said kids facing the substance abuse of their parents need not suffer in silence.
“Tell somebody,” Haney said. “Tell someone you can trust, reach out to another family member, even social services.”
Loss and the unhappy holidays
For those who have lost a loved one, whether or not the loss was recent, holidays can bring more pain than happiness.
“The thing with the holidays is, we have such high expectations of the way we think things should be like and rarely do the holidays ever meet our expectations,” Debbie Smith, bereavement counselor for Community Hospice, said. “Then when you’ve lost a loved one, it is really not a happy time of year.”
Smith said it is important to remember it is okay to miss the departed loved one and to keep expectations of the holidays realistic.
“A lot of them say, ‘I just don’t want to do anything.’ Especially if there are children in the home, it’s hard to do,” Smith said.
Smith said a person who has lost a loved one often need time alone and this is also true during the holidays, though they should not isolate themselves completely.
Holidays can be especially hard if the loved one is a child.
“I don’t like to compare grief and all grief hurts but when you have lost a child, no matter how old that child was, the grief doesn’t ever go away,” Smith said.
Smith said people who have lost a family member should seek the support of people who will listen to them. She urged friends and family members to forego giving lots of advice and platitudes and instead lend a shoulder to cry on.
“Advice is not necessary,” Smith said. “They don’t need to hear ‘it’s God’s will.’ Even if that’s true it’s probably the last thing they want to hear. Grieving people need someone to be there for them.”
For those seeking bereavement counseling, Community Hospice offers in even if the person who died was not a hospice patient. For more information call (606) 329-1890.
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Comments
Posted by john_mushenhouse (anonymous) on November 29, 2009 at 7:32 a.m. (Suggest removal)
This is why people should get away from secular, humanistic counselors and go to the true counselor, Jesus Christ. This is a day that we picked to celebrate His coming into the world as a man to die for our sins. Because of that death man can have forgiveness from sin and a right relationship with God.
If man doesn't have the peace with God how can he have peace in any other aspect of his life? It is no mystery why families fight (their main relationship with God is enmity) or why they seek solutions in drugs or alcohol (they are seeking something to make their lives livable). Jesus came down to give life, and that in abundance. With Him, you have all the peace you need and not just at family get-togethers, but everyday. You are also not alone as you will have a relationship with God.
There is nothing that these secular’s counselors can give you. Perhaps a temporary feeling of some enablement, but it will quickly go away. They have no clue to what man’s problem if. If they did, how could they be so cruel to not give man the answer. If they try to separate their so-called professional life from their sacred, then they have no life at all. A double minded man is unstable in all that he does. Go to Jesus and confess that you have sinned against a Holy God, repent of that sin and believe that Jesus is, came down and was fully God and fully man, died for our sins and was resurrected for the forgiveness of our sins and a new life.
This is what everybody needs (Jesus) and the reason for the season
Before you seek to get right with yourself, your family, your circumstances, get right with Jesus. It isn't about going to church either. It is about repenting of your sin and trusting in the sacrifice of Jesus. He is the counsellor which everyone needs. Jesus alone.
For unto us a child is born, unto us a son is given: and the government shall be upon his shoulder: and his name shall be called Wonderful, Counsellor, The mighty God, The everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace. Isa.9:6
Posted by kce (anonymous) on November 29, 2009 at 6:27 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Very well said John! Hope your wise words sink in for all who need an ear to listen this Christmas Season.
Posted by buckfan4life2 (anonymous) on November 30, 2009 at 3:57 p.m. (Suggest removal)
John you are so right, I know you and I don't see eye to eye about alot of things but what you said has made me do alot of thinking today. I am about to loose my mother to cancer. I have never lost someone so close to me and I have been having a hard time dealing with this. So thanks and please say a little prayer for me and my mother.
Posted by john_mushenhouse (anonymous) on November 30, 2009 at 4:30 p.m. (Suggest removal)
Buckfan
I am sorry. You got my prayers buddy. jesus never fails, never leaves you alone and loves you and your mother very much. hw will take care of you and be everything you really need.
He is the prince of Peace so He can rightfully give us peace when we go to Him. A person can't ask for more.
Posted by Philo_Publius (anonymous) on November 30, 2009 at 10:18 p.m. (Suggest removal)
I agree, but sometimes these people might need someone to talk too...........It doesn't mean they are rejecting God, but sometimes a good counselor can work wonders.....And if you believe in God guiding our every move, maybe God sent these people to these counselors..........This is a good thing..............philo publius
Posted by john_mushenhouse (anonymous) on December 1, 2009 at 8:36 a.m. (Suggest removal)
Philo
God can't deny himself. These counselors can't agree among themselves concerning about their philosophy.
Why would God send us to anyone who would give us another path when he said that He was the WAY, the Truth and the life? As I said above they disagree with each other so where is the truth? They don't have a standard which they agree with. Jesus is the truth and the standard (way).
There are many christians out there with whom people can talk to, but more importanly one can talk to God.
God listens and He will respond to us. There is no mustaking His voice. He is Peace and when you talk to Him a peace completely comes over you. Jesus is real and you must believe that. You also must realize that you have sinned and that caused separation from God. Instead of repenting and getting right with God , man has tried every substitute (money, sex, drugs, alcohol, secular counselors) to attempt to get peace in life. if your primary relationship in life (relationship with God) is one of separation and war, how can you expect to have a right relationship with anyone else. Man is without hope, except maybe in the temporal and then, after a brief time, you find yourself back in the same mess.
You must believe that Jesus is and He is a rewarder of those who dilligently seek Him. Not to those who seek answers in everything else. I believe God guides the movements of the believers. I believe He calls the sinners by grace which many refuse to accept. This is a big difference.
check out these
http://www.compassionatecounselors.com/N...
Check out books by jay Adams and Dr. Ed Bulkley among many and above all start reading the bible. In fact, the bible alone is sufficient.
The truth is that when ones goes to Jesus in faith, the relationship is so real and His help is so real, one can face any challenge which life confronts us with. Plus we get to spend an eternity with Him in heaven.
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