Howdy, howdy, howdy. I is back!

It's been a good offseason, but I has been back studyin' all the football stuff I kin git my hands on.

One interestin' story I done heard could help explain the success of some teams, or lack of.

Fer instance, take the story of how Michigan coach Lloyd Carr tried to make his team better. He went to see Jim Tressel at Ohio State to git some advice.

"Jim, how do you do it? Ya beat me the first two years you wuz here."

Tressel told Carr he needed a smart quarterback. To prove his point, he went to Justin Zwick and asked, "Who is your father's brother's nephew?"

Zwick answered, "Me."

Carr went back to practice and asked his quarterback Matt Guiterrez, "Who is your father's brother's nephew?"

Guiterrez thought about it, then went to ask receiver Steve Breaston the question. Breaston thought a moment and said, "Why, it's me."

Guiterrez went back to Carr and said, "I know the answer coach. It's Steve Breaston."

Carr just shook his head. "No, no, no. You're wrong. No wonder we're not that good. The answer is Justin Zwick."

Hee hee hee. I know, the game is still three months away, but it is Michigan.

Ennywho, the first week is here and let's git on with the picks.

Ironton at Wheelersburg: I wuz hopin' Ironton had an iron-clad defense. I really don't like hearin' that cannon go off when the Pirates score. Bring ear plugs. Ironton 18, Wheelersburg 14.

Coal Grove at Piketon: Will the winnin' return with coach Lucas? It will this week. Coal Grove 28, Piketon 8.

Tolsia at Rock Hill: The Redmen will be playin' on a rug this year. Instead of a groundskeeper, they'll be callin' Stanley Steamer. Rock Hill 14, Tolsia 13.

Vinton County at South Point: Veterans vs. rookies. Go with the old guys. Vinton County 22, South Point 18.

Chesapeake at Portsmouth: Trojans have 'bout everyone back and they is toutin' themselves. I wonder if the Panthers will even bother to show up. Bet they will. Portsmouth 21, Chesapeake 14.

Portsmouth West at Fairland:

This will be sort of a Army vs. Air Force. You know, land vs. air or ground game vs. passing. We all know the Army does more before 9 a.m. Wonder how they is after 7:30 p.m.? West 28, Fairland 27.

Racine Southern at Green:

Kevin Sheridan's debut will go down good with some Castro oil. Green 26, Racine 12.

Huntington Ross at Symmes Valley: The only Ross I knows ennything 'bout is the one on Friends, and they is off the air. Symmes Valley 20, Hunt. Ross 16.

Others: Ashland over South Oldham, River Valley over Southeastern, East over Northwest, Minford over Oak Hill, Lucasville Valley over Waverly, Gallipolis over Meigs, The Andy Griffith Show over Russell.