This week I ran into an old friend, Bob Smith, Smitty to those who know him.

Smitty was excited. He has decided to run for President of the United States as a Republican. He believes the core Republicans have yet to embrace any candidate so there is an opportunity for him to win. I asked him what his positions are on the issues of the day.

“Well first Jimmy boy, I intend to be more of a war hawk than these other guys. Let’s face it, we are going to have 100,000 troops in Iraq for 10 to 20 years. Why not say it right out?” he said. “Then there’s Iran. Some of these guys sort of suggest maybe, possibly we should attack them, I say attack now. After all, if I am going to be more of a war hawk than these guys I have to get out front of this issue.”

“But Smitty, over 70 percent of Americans want us out of Iraq, and I doubt they want us to attack Iran.”

“What do they know? You can’t let foreign policy be ran by Democrats or the public,” he said. “You need guys like me who know what to do.”

“And just what are your qualifications that suggest you know what to do?”

“I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express,” he said. “And I once read a book on history, and I am following the good work of President Bush.”

“I see. And what is your position on health care Smitty? Most Americans think that is a pretty big problem.”

“Easy ‘ol buddy, a no-brainer. Let the market manage health care and no socialized medicine,” he said. “Done.”

“But Smitty the market has given us high costs, high administrative expenses, uneven care and millions of uninsured.”

“Exactly,” he said. “And when the uninsured realize nobody is going to help them they will get a job and buy insurance. How simple can it be?”

“You do know that most Americans think a national health insurance program is the answer, right?”

“Yea, but there you go again, who are they to make these tough decisions?” he asked.

“Right. Where do you stand on abortion?”

“That’s a tough one. Every Republican candidate is against it, you have to be. But I need to stand out,” he said. “So I say, let’s not just make it illegal, let’s arrest the women who try to get one and imprison their doctors.”

“Um, Smitty, about 65 percent of Americans want some form of abortion available. Are you sure your position won’t be a problem with the voters?”

“Naw,” he said flatly. “You have to be tougher than the other guys on this one.”

“OK, so how do you feel about the borrow and spend policies of this administration?”

“Here is how I really get elected,” he said. “I intend to cut taxes again, mostly on the rich. You always win by cutting taxes.”

“But Smitty, our national debt has grown hugely the last seven years, and we face a financial crunch with Medicare and Medicaid, and there is the cost of the war. How can we pay for it all?”

“There you go thinking like a loser Democrat again. Let the next generation pay for it. Why should we care?” he said. “And, of course, cut out a lot of the social services stuff. We need to fund the war and get a bigger army.”

“A bigger army? Why? People want to end the war. Why do we need a bigger army?”

“Look buddy, what do you think? We are not ending any war … the war against terror goes on forever,” he said. “I’ll be a famous war-time president, just like president Bush. I’ll go down in history.”

“No doubt. Just like President Bush.”

Jim Crawford is a

contributing columnist to The Ironton Tribune.