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Some tough questions for the big guy

With so much uncertainty and so many unanswered questions about the guy in the big red suit, I thought it was time to take matters into my own hands.

So, spotting him at one of the area’s charity events, I cornered him for you, the readers of The Ironton Tribune.

It was time for some tough questions and some straight answers. It was time for a little Q & A.

Q: So is it Santa Claus, or do you prefer Mr. Kringle?

A: You can call me Kris, or Santa, or anything respectful. If you’re upset at some toy I didn’t deliver when you were a boy and you have an unflattering name for me, you’ll have to do that on your own time.

Q: I can’t remember ever being devastated at Christmas. So I must have been good all those years, right?

A: (Silence).

Q: Well, OK then. Let’s get started. What’s up with this “bowl full of jelly” stuff? Is that all you eat?

A: No, no, no. I eat lots of things. Mostly reindeer. Ho! Ho! Ho! Just kidding.

Q: Why is the suit red? Did you ever consider other colors?

A: To be honest, it’s the color the Mrs. prefers.

Q: Wow. Really? She picks your clothes?

A: Give me a break buddy, didn’t your wife ever pick out a tie for you?

Q: OK, OK, Kris. Ease up there. So what about the buckle? It looks big, so did you ever think of something with a little more pizzazz, like a Harley Davidson buckle or something that a Texas cowboy would wear?

A: No. Those guys look like dorks.

Q: So why all the Breakfast With Santa events? Is it a good opportunity for a lot of exposure?

A: No, they feed me on the house. A guy has to eat.

Q: Reindeer, right? (laughing).

A: (Silence).

Q: OK then. Kris, what was the most difficult year to deliver presents in Lawrence County?

A: My memory isn’t what it used to be, but there was a bad one in the late 1970s. A really strong gust of wind blew us across the river into Russell. I could have landed on the bridge, but I thought I’d take my chances in Russell.

Q: Smart thinking, Kris. OK, so do you really drink all the milk and eat all the cookies, or do you pour the milk down the sink and throw out the cookies.

A: No comment.

Q: How many times have you been stuck in a chimney?

A: It used to happen a lot years ago, but not so much these days.

Q: Slim-fast?

A: Atkins.

Q: OK Kris, last question. Aren’t you the center of the criticism that the holiday is commercialized so much that Christ is taken out of Christmas.

A: You know, I think that’s unfair. I’m a symbol of joy and I think I spread it throughout the world to children. I bring smiles and happiness to them and I think Jesus would be A-OK with that.

Rick Greene is the managing editor of The Ironton Tribune and totally believes in Santa Claus. He can be reached at (740) 532-1441, ext. 12, or by e-mail at rick.greene@irontontribune.com