Welp, I gots a lesson fer all men out there young and old. I learned it from a guy I knows who learned the lesson the hard way.

My neighbor Dewey Needum got himself in some big trouble when he fergot his weddin’ anniversary. When he came in the house he was confronted by his wife who was really mad.

In a stern voice she said, “Tomorrow morning when I git up, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in six seconds and it better be there and it better be in candy apple red with black and white trim.”

Welp, the next morning Dewey got up early and left for work and put a card on his pillow next to his wife. When his wife woke up she read the card and it said he was sorry that he forgot their anniversary and that her present was in the driveway.

She threw on her robe, raced outside only to find a gift-wrapped box sitting in the driveway. Confused, the wife picked up the box and took it back in the house. She opened the package and, to her surprise, found a brand new, candy apple red with black and white trimmed bathroom scale.

Dewey has been missin’ since Friday.

Ennywho, last week I went a purrfect 15-0 to bring the season record to 64-13. Things git a little more interesting this week since teams begin league play and crazy, crazy things happen all the time cause teams know each other so well. It’s on with week six.

Ironton at Johnson Central: Don’t expect Patrick Lewis to sit out most of this one or to git only six carries. Ironton 28, Johnson Central 24.

Rock Hill at Coal Grove: When these two gits together, ya knows there is gonna be some fireworks. Maybe they should play it on the Fourth of July instead of now. Coal Grove 32, Rock Hill 22.

South Point at Fairland: There’s nothing little about the Dragons’ fullback, so when they run their Little (Tyree) Ceasar on consecutive plays, expect the announcer to say, “Touchdown, touchdown.” Fairland 34, South Point 18.

Chesapeake at River Valley: This wuz supposed to be played at Chesapeake this time, but no field means no home game. They could play it in the parkin’ lot and it wouldn’t matter. Chesapeake 26, River Valley 12.

Symmes Valley at Green: The last time I seen this much red and green wuz at Christmas. It’s only fitting cause I sees these two teams lightin’ up the scoreboard. Symmes Valley 34, Green 26.

Others: Russell over Fleming County; Ashland over Boyd County; Portsmouth over Logan; Gallipolis over Chillicothe; Wheelersburg over Northwest; Lucasville Valley over Waverly; Minford over Portsmouth West; Oak Hill over Sciotoville East; Portsmouth Notre Dame over Manchester; Bishop Hartley over Bishop Watterson; Bishop Ready over Linsly Academy.

NOTE: Gridiron Goober is a self-proclaimed high school football expert who shares his vast knowledge and picks each week, all while offering a humorous take on the world of sports. His comments are not meant to be taken seriously.