Last August, our flagship company here at Misery Incorporated, The Nowhere Express, ran an advertisement in this newspaper offering to cater to those who insist on living disconsolate lives.

The ad guaranteed hulking heaps of debilitating anger, depression, alibis, gossip, lies, blaming, and complaints. Buy a ticket and take a seat, the ad guaranteed, and the soothing vibes of hate, revenge and jealousy would soon overcome the souls of every passenger who opted to ride the rails of incorrigibility.

This train has never left the station with an empty seat. Our business continues to boom thanks to the pervasiveness of negative attitudes in this nation….they keep our courtrooms full and guarantee that children who are forced to ride with their parents will become future customers.

Our board of directors cannot thank you enough!

But vast research in regard to the demographics of our customers suggested we weren’t hitting all possible markets. There were, judging by our evidence, many people who absolutely refused to utilize our business.

These people appeared happy despite the problems life inevitably brings to everyone. They had a will to overcome obstacles and garner faith in seemingly impossible situations. Some, according to our surveys, were actually blissfully content with their lives.

There seemed to be a direct correlation between what a person envisioned happiness to be and his or her perception of their personal ability to either achieve or maintain it.

In short, those who held on to faith and hope appeared to reject the hopelessness that creates the miserable lives who patronize The Nowhere Express.

Noticing the demands of an untapped market, we attempted to create a sister company to cater to those who desire to live each day with thankfulness and purpose. And the venture failed miserably.

Why? Because those who choose to be happy do not buy services promising something they already possess. As our research confirmed, a friendly smile or act of kindness toward others is a result of the way the kind person views life. The kind person is typically a happy person who wishes to share happiness with others. Conversely, the same is true of unhappy people.

Positive virtues of happy people, such as compassion, sympathy, and sacrifice have never been offered (or asked for) on The Nowhere Express. Those who willfully put themselves in another person’s shoes and are generous and charitable to others will never spend a dime on our services.

These people are aware of the one truth we at The Nowhere Express have understood for years: Miserable people are self-created. They choose to blame, gossip and complain instead of looking for and correcting the real problem in their lives, which can be found in any mirror.

These people keep our business running and allow us to fund and conduct our research projects, such as this most recent failed endeavor.

Although the new company was a bust, we were so impressed we considered inviting positive people to ride our rails as keynote speakers, encouraging our willfully unhappy customers to at least consider altering their poisonous thinking. You may ask, “Wouldn’t a humane service such as this be detrimental to the profits of The Nowhere Express?”

And this would be a valid question. However, our lines run at full capacity through every city, town, and village in America every hour of every day. Even if we had 30 competitors, the demand for a service that caters to poor attitudes would not diminish. Every train would leave the station stuffed full of people who were getting exactly what they paid to receive.

We have discovered via our exhaustive research that people choose to be either happy or unhappy. It really is that simple. Happy people suffer just like spiteful people. Altruistic souls experience problems just like selfish complainers. In all cases, a person’s attitude toward life determines how their life will be.

We’re not concerned about losing business. There will always be customers willing to utilize our service. Spiteful, angry people will exist forever.

But our success creates a tug of conscience. You see, those of us who operate The Nowhere Express have positive outlooks on life. We are wildly successful, thanks to our many customers, and, despite the nature of our business, are compassionate to the plights of others.

If you are one of our customers, we want you to realize the choice to be unhappy is simply a choice. It can be changed at any time.

And to our throngs of mistreated, misunderstood patrons who refuse to take responsibility for the problems you do not wish to overcome, our invaluable service will continue to provide all of your favorite self-deprecating delicacies.

Thank you to everyone from all of us at The Nowhere Express!

 

Billy Bruce is a freelance writer who lives in Pedro. He can be contacted at hollandkat3@aol.com.