• 50°

Deflate-gate finally loses all of its air

I fought it as long as I could. I tried to tell myself that I didn’t care and that it was such a trivial issue it didn’t deserve any attention.

And even though I was right about all that, it was inevitable. I couldn’t help myself. I had to write something.

“Deflate-gate” became so big in the media — well, not the media, just ESPN — that I had to say something.

Now, I really don’t have much of any opinion nor am I really taking sides, but it was just more fun to write something this way.

Of course, I’m doing it in a song parody and, of course, I am going to use a No. 1 hit Beatles’ song. I like to use songs written by John Lennon since he’s been dead for 35 years so, hopefully, I don’t have to worry too much about being sued.

The song is “Please, Please Me.” If you don’t know the song or the words, you should check them out. It really helps make the parody work.

On the other hand, this issue is so trivial I wouldn’t blame you if you just totally ignored this song.

But, it would be your loss, sort of like the loss of hot air that was in all those footballs.

Anyway, let’s spin the record.

“Squeeze, Squeeze These”

(Tune: Please, Please Me)

Last night I said these words to our m-g-r

I need to throw these footballs really far.

Come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on)

Squeeze, squeeze these balls yeah, ‘cause I’m the star.

 

You knew the refs would have to check the weight

Then I’ll have to take the time to deflate

Come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on)

Squeeze, squeeze these balls yeah, don’t leave it to fate.

 

The Colts had to start complaining, but you know there’s always doubt in our game plans (our game plans)

We did the illegal taping, so let’s add some ball deflating

Whoa yeah, you teams think you’ve been screwed.

 

Last night I said these words to our m-g-r

I need to throw these footballs really far.

Come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on), come on (come on)

Squeeze, squeeze these balls yeah, ‘cause I’m the star.

 

By the way, I didn’t want New England or Seattle to win. I’m a Cleveland fan, so go Browns.

And take Manziel with you.

——

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.