Running mates odd fellows

Published 1:13 pm Friday, July 22, 2016

Mike Pence and Donald Trump are certainly political odd fellows as the Republican candidates for vice president and president. Pence is a fiscal and social conservative, a religious individual; Trump is not.

Many establishment Republicans welcome Pence to the ticket because Pence is a normal Republican who may help Trump avoid his own excesses and extremes.

Given the distinct differences between Pence and Trump, it is not surprising that they hold differing views on several issues. So it is indeed fortunate that this pundit was able to capture, in imagined truthful accuracy, the conversational exchange between the two men at their first meeting.

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Trump: “Well, congratulations Little Buddy, you are gonna be the vice president of the best president ever. Trust me.”

Pence: “Thank you Don…Mr. Trump. I think we will make a great team.”

Trump laughs and slaps Pence on the back, hard. “That’s cute Mikey, but remember, there is no “T” for team in Trump. This is my show and you are just along for the ride. Don’t forget who your Daddy is.”

Trump: “So let’s get down to business. Tell me what policy ideas you have that I need to fix?”

Pence: “Um, your Muslim ban, Sir…”

Trump: “What about it? That idea sells tickets Little Buddy. People clap, roar and scream when I use that line. It sells. Big ticket item.”

Pence: “But it is unconstitutional, Sir.”

Trump: “Let’s get this out of the way right away, Mikey. You don’t decide what is constitutional, the seven Supreme Court Justices make that decision. It is still seven, right?”

Pence: “Sir, I fear we are getting off to a bad start. Let’s pray together first, OK?”

Trump: “Sure, that is in Corinthians: Chapter 3, right? The praying thing.”

Trump bows his head as Pence prays. After 30 seconds Trump says, “Amen. Now let’s talk about how your religiosity affects you policy ideas.”

Pence: “For one thing, God opposes homosexuality so I had a law passed in Indiana that lets God’s good people deny service to the gays. Then I added that it could not be a hate crime to hurt the gays.”

“You probably know the gays also get HIV and AIDS, so, when I was in Congress I opposed funding these things.”

“Then I passed an unconstitutional law that pretty much made abortion illegal in Indiana.”

Trump shakes his head. “Mikey, look, we already have the evangelicals in the basket, they won’t vote commie Democrat. So let’s not waste our time on this stuff.”

Trump: “So where are you on the military?”

Pence: “Totally all in, Sir. Never met a military bill I wouldn’t vote for, or a weapons plan I couldn’t love. In fact, guns are great and I always voted for more guns. The Holy NRA gives me a solid “A” rating. Oh, and on torture? I agree with you 100 percent. Waterboarding, beheading, killing terrorist families and anything else you can think of.”

Trump: “I am starting to like you, Mikey. So, big question…taxes? Talk to me.”

Pence: “In Indiana, I ended the inheritance tax on the richest people, lowered taxes on corporations, and cut business property tax.”

Trump: “OK. What about the taxes on working people?”

Pence: “I don’t understand the question, Sir.”

Trump: “Never mind. Good answer.”

Trump: Last question. How do you feel about clean air?”

Pence: “Sir, I could not care less about clean air.”

Trump laughs, slaps Pence on the back and says, “I like you Mikey, have a cigar.”

Pence: “Thank you, Daddy.”