My annual precap of the coming year’s news
Wondering if things will change for the better in the New Year? Here’s a handy clip ‘n’ save Precap of news certain to occur during 2019.
JAN. 1 – In a New Year’s tweet to the nation, President Trump says he has surveillance showing that Hillary Clinton is continuing to use a private email server. He vows to appoint a special prosecutor to “bring her to justice.”
JAN. 27 – A Pew poll reveals that 93 percent of politicians are unaware the government has been “shut down” since December.
FEB. 3 – At Super Bowl LIII, the NFL suspends 14 players for “socializing” with cheerleaders in the concussion protocol tent.
FEB. 24 – At the 91st Oscars, Steve Carell receives the Irving G. Thalberg Award for “Most films released just before the end-of-year cutoff.”
FEB. 26 – A presidential tweet warns that if the government shutdown continues, 18,000 troops might have to be withdrawn from the Mexican border.
MAR. 16 – In a tearful announcement, Colin Jost tells “SNL” viewers that he is having the Kimberly Guilfoyle tattoo removed from his buttocks.
APR. 1 – President and Mrs. Trump host the third annual Trump Family April Fools Celebration.
APR. 27 – At the comedian-free White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, author Ron Chernow entertains with a gripping retrospective on “Presidential Tweets Over the Last One-Fifth of a Decade.”
MAY 11 – In an interview with Matt Drudge, President Trump expresses frustration that the Mueller investigation has continued unabated despite the government shutdown, asking, “Is George Soros secretly funding this guy?”
MAY 26 – The New York Times raises the price of its Sunday edition to $29.95 (higher in outlying areas).
JUNE 12 – At a “Show of Unity Conference,” Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Joe Biden, Gavin Newsom, Kamala Harris and 14 other Democrats announce they are each entering the 2020 presidential race.
JUNE 13 – The White House unveils a national MAGA hologram tour, featuring a virtual President Trump and music by Elvis.
JULY 4 – At a Fourth of July celebration in Bedminster, N.J., Donald Trump Jr. surprises family with news that he is engaged to Fox host Laura Ingraham.
JULY 22 – CNN formally changes its name to BNN: Breaking News Network. According to a spokeswoman, “We believe everything we report is breaking, no matter when it happened or how trivial it might be.”
AUG. 2 – Walmart begins its Black Friday Christmas sale.
AUG. 28 – Kirsten Gillibrand, Cory Booker, Amy Klobuchar, Chuck Schumer and LeBron James declare they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.
SEPT. 10 – President and Mrs. Trump host a White House dinner to celebrate National Hashtag Day.
OCT. 24 – Two dozen more hopefuls, including James Comey and the comedian Carrot Top, say they are seeking the Democratic presidential nomination.
NOV. 28 – Declaring “No one is above the law,” President Trump refuses to pardon the White House turkey.
NOV. 29 – President and Mrs. Trump fly to Mar-a-Lago to celebrate Black Friday.
DEC. 2 – The Washington Post quotes sources as saying the Mueller investigation is entering its “final phase” and “should be completed by early 2021.”
DEC. 10 – Amazon introduces a team of leading astronomers who will select a planet for its first extraterrestrial headquarters.
DEC. 31 – In a New Year’s Eve tweet to the nation, President Trump vows: “The fake government shutdown will not be allowed to disrupt our beautiful 2020 campaign!”
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. He can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com.