No Oscar host? No problem!
It seems this year’s Academy Awards will be conducted using a no-host format, now that Kevin Hart and his dossier of homophobic wisecracks have been officially ruled out.
This might be a good thing, starting with the fact that a no-host ceremony will be mercifully shorter. Previous Oscar shows have dragged on well beyond a reasonable bedtime – like a Monday Night Football game with 39 penalties, 54 commercials and overtime.
Nominations will be announced Jan. 22 and the Academy should use the occasion to confirm not only the no-host policy but also these additional no-nos.
No Politics. Insist that presenters and winners avoid all political references. If they mention Trump don’t play music, just cut their mics and move on.
No Notes. Winners should not be allowed to feign surprise while pulling out a lengthy written list of people to thank. You’re a Hollywood professional for goodness sake! If you can’t adlib a few thank-yous maybe moviemaking isn’t the right job for you.
No Sharing. We get it: the losers in your category all did good work — after all, they were nominated for an Oscar. But don’t pretend you’d like to “share” your award with them.
No Families. Leave your parents, your wife and your kids out of it. Above all, don’t use one of the biggest showbiz events of the year to tell Johnny and Suzie that “it’s ok to go to bed now.”
No Sobbing. Sure, you’re overwhelmed. Get a grip.
No Plugs. This is not the time to tell us about your next project, or that you just signed a first-look deal with Netflix.
No Gimmicks. The Golden Globes set a record for asininity by pretending to give flu shots to celebs in the audience. Spare us the sophomoric humor, please.
No Teases. Skip the announcer pitches for what’s coming next; we all know we have to wait three hours for the big awards. And don’t say, “Only ABC!” before each of the three dozen commercial breaks.
With these minor adjustments the 2019 Oscars could be really boffo.
Remember, the Academy has already wised up by backing away from its idiotic plan to award a “Most Popular” Oscar.
We should all get to sleep at a reasonable hour Feb. 24, except of course for the winners and near-winners who will cavort long into the night at Hollywood’s many After-Oscar parties, where the only change that would not be tolerated is a No-Host bar.
Peter Funt is a writer and speaker. He can be reached at www.CandidCamera.com.