Archived Story

Thin mints versus diet

Published 12:36pm Tuesday, February 25, 2014

We must stop them.

We must stop the millions of Girl Scouts who are, right this moment, preying on a helpless public, making us buy and consume calories we don’t need — at the rate of one or two rows of cookies at each sitting.

I am on a diet, you see — not just a low-carb diet, but a low-fat diet, low-calorie diet. I am getting by on only 1,300 or 1,400 calories a day.

That means I can’t eat sweets or drink adult beverages or consume pretty much anything that tastes good and makes me happy. I am giving up almost all my vices in one fell swoop — making me one of the least pleasant people you’d want to be around.

The only upside is that this diet is very effective — and it is working. It is monitored by well-educated administrators and coaches. I meet them every Saturday morning for a weigh-in and to discuss any untoward dieting challenges that I faced the prior week.

There is no greater challenge to a dieter than Thin Mints, Samoas, Peanut Butter Patties and, my hands-down favorite, shortbread Trefoils.

Oh, sweet heaven on Earth, I’d give my right arm for the Trefoils recipe — if I didn’t need my right arm to dunk the cookies in a mug of ice-cold milk.

Look, I understand that the Girl Scouts organization was founded in 1912 to help girls develop physically, mentally and spiritually.

I know the annual cookie sale has become a tasty part of American culture since it originated in 1917, when one troop held a small bake sale, selling sugar cookies.

I understand that managing cookie sales helps Girl Scouts learn useful sales, accounting and other business skills — and that it raises some $700 million dollars yearly, funding many worthwhile Girl Scout activities.

But it’s still time to stop this outmoded cookie sale — for my sake and the sake of millions of other cookie victims.

Who among us has the power to say no to any young girl raising money for charity who offers to sell us a legal product that’s so addictive?

Nobody — as demonstrated by one particularly tenacious Girl Scout in 1985. Elizabeth Brinton of Falls Church, Va., sold 11,200 boxes of Girl Scout cookies that sales season. She later topped her record by selling 18,000 in another season. She sold more than 100,000 during her Girl Scout career.

And I was her only customer!

OK, I wasn’t her customer, but you get the point. I’m addicted. I sense that word is getting around in local Girl Scout circles that I am an easy sale — so much so, I am afraid to go to any stores or public places where the clever order-takers will prey on me.

It is both troubling and puzzling to me that, in this era of government-managed health care — a new era of regulations, mandates and penalties — it is still legal for any organization to raise funds by pushing so many sugary, salty, fatty treats onto our already obese population.

I am on a diet that will improve my health and hopefully reduce my future health concerns and benefit everybody else in my insurance pool. Shouldn’t our micromanaging government give me a tax credit for every cookie I don’t eat?

Likewise, shouldn’t the peddlers of unhealthy treats — treats, as I said, that one can’t help but eat by the row — be subject to government fines or taxes that punish them for victimizing the cookie-addicted?

In these unusual times, I fear somebody will take these requests seriously — before I can break my diet, one row of Thin Mints at a time.

 

Tom Purcell, author of “Misadventures of a 1970s Childhood” and “Comical Sense: A Lone Humorist Takes on a World Gone Nutty!” is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is nationally syndicated exclusively by Cagle Cartoons Inc. Send comments to Tom at Purcell@caglecartoons.com.

The Tribune believes it is possible for people with a variety of points of view to discuss issues in a civil manner and will remove comments that, in our opinion, foster incivility. We want to encourage an open exchange of information and ideas. Responsibility for what is posted or contributed to this site is the sole responsibility of each user. By contributing to this website, you agree not to post any defamatory, abusive, harassing, obscene, sexual, threatening or illegal material, or any other material that infringes on the ability of others to enjoy this site, or that infringes on the rights of others. Any user who feels that a contribution to this website is a violation of these terms of use is encouraged to email report-comments@irontontribune.com, or click the "report comment" link that is on all comments. We reserve the right to remove messages that violate these terms of use and we will make every effort to do so — within a reasonable time frame — if we determine that removal is necessary.

  • mickakers

    Tom Purcell; I have read where the Girl Scout organization supports Planned Parenthood. If this is the case, the little girls are fortunate to be here and able to sell cookies.

    (Report comment)

Editor's Picks

Finding the money: Boggs wants ideas on how to pay for new jail

Coming up with a specified way to fund building a county jail is the next step in the process, according to jail committee chair Les ... Read more

Feds will prosecute former officers

With three former Lawrence County corrections officers under federal indictment, the county won’t proceed with its case against them. “The charges we filed were similar ... Read more