Gridiron Goober returns with politics

Published 12:00 am Thursday, August 24, 2000

Unlike General McArthur, I is doin’ what I said I’d do.

Thursday, August 24, 2000

Unlike General McArthur, I is doin’ what I said I’d do. I has returned.

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Yup, it’s a new high school football season and I done comed back to pick games agin.

A lot done been happenin’ since I last picked these here games. The big thing is the prezedentshul elecshun that’s comin’ up.

With a new prezedent comin’, that means the old one is goin’ out. Without Billy Boy, Kentucky Fried Chicken will be losin’ its best advertising. See, all Billy thinks about is legs, breasts, and thighs.

Pickin’ a new prez is gonna be tough. The choices are Al Gore or George Bush. I wuz hopin’ fer a Stone Cold/Rock ticket muhself.

Kin ya imagine Gore as prezedent? He makes Dan Quayle sound like Einstein. Fer example:

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

I guess it would be safe to say that people who vote fer Al Gore ain’t votin’ fer someone else.

Would someone call Mikey Haney and see if she still has an open desk in her St. Lawrence kindergarten class?

Ennywho, this is the blind week. I knows less ’bout the teams than Gore does ’bout bein’ prezedent, but here goes week one’s picks:

Ironton at Wheelersburg: I sees whar the Pie-rates got themselves new bleachers to make things more comfortable fer the fans. They kin go a step further and put a cork in that darn cannon. Ironton 14, Wheelersburg 10.

Lucasville Valley at Coal Grove: Fer years the Injuns couldn’t find room on their schedule fer the Hornets. I guess ya kin find ennything when a team goes 1-9. Upset special. Coal Grove 22, Lucasville Valley 8.

Northwest at Rock Hill: Doug Montavon done come back to Northwest after three years at Portsmouth Notre Dame. He might want to reconsider his relocation. Rock Hill 28, Northwest 14.

Chesapeake at Green: This ain’t gonna be no day at the "Beach" fer the Bobcats. Chesapeake 24, Green 12.

Vinton County at South Point: Thar were some points put on the board last year, and I kin see some more this time ’round. Brent Terry wouldn’t mind seeing points in his debut, but I knows he’d like to see some defense, too. South Point 26, Vinton County 22.

Portsmouth West at Fairland: The Sin-a-tors has a super-speedy quarterback in Bryson Williams. They says he runs a 4.3 in the 40. If he’s got that kind of speed, he ought to burn the Dragons instead of the other way ’round. Portsmouth West 19, Fairland 14.

Symmes Valley at Trimble: Records show the Vikings ain’t never won at Trimble. Sounds like this home cookin’ use things like an eye of a bat and fresh newt. Trimble 21, Symmes Valley 18.

Others: Portsmouth over Amanda-Clearcreek; Gallipolis over Meigs; Ashland over Raceland; Portsmouth Notre Dame over Huntington Ross; Portsmouth East over Lewis County; Oak Hill over Minford; Waverly over Piketon; Bob Clyse Oldsmobile-GMC-Pontiac over Russell.