Gridiron Goober knows why Clarett’s leaving Buckeyes

Published 12:00 am Thursday, September 25, 2003

It's Maurice Clarett didn't take a test to Maurice Clarett was given a car by a booster to Maurice Clarett lied about everything.

Welp, just let me tell you about Maurice Clarett.

Ev'ryone is pickin' on the poor young man. He just wants to make a bunch of money like the rest of us. So he stretched the truth with the police two or three or 10,000 dollars. It's not his fault. Maybe if he'd been goin' to class he'd have known how much it all cost.

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Ennywho, the suspended Ohio State running back is lookin' to make the trial separation a permanent divorce. He's suing the NFL fer the right to be in the next draft.

He says he can't go back to college and he wants the money the NFL has to offer. But that's the only reasons, just a small part of them.

Here are the top 10 reasons why Maurice Clarett is leaving Ohio State:

10. Too easily distracted by JumboTron showing replays of him.

9. Buckeyes are wearing NIKE shoes and he's negotiating endorsement deal with Reebok.

8. The scarlett jersey clashes with his brown eyes.

7. Wearing No. 13 and playing in The Horseshoe is causing a lot of superstition stress.

6. Players laughed at him because he thought the band was playing "Hang On, Snoopy."

5. Hungry Hippo 101 was closed until the summer quarter.

4. Already has Coach Tressel's autograph on a game ball.

3. Mom thinks Buckeye leaves are really marijuana plants.

2. Afternoon practices cause him to miss Spongebob Squarepants.

1. They still want him to attend class.

Ennywho, last week I wuz a sizzlin' 13-1 (my only miss was Minford over Wheelersburg). I is now 48-7 on the season (.873 percentage). Let' shoot fer perfection agin.

Ironton at Ashland: They says the rivalry is back. The problem is, one of the teams in this rivalry is still Ironton, soooo …. Ironton 21, Ashland 17.

Coal Grove at Rock Hill: The Hornets git close but can't punch it in the end zone. The Redmen are plannin' a knockout punch. Rock Hill 26, Coal Grove 18.

Chesapeake at River Valley: The Raiders have never been 5-0 before, so that means they've never been 6-0. Chances are they still won't. Chesapeake 19, River Valley 14.

Fairland at South Point: If ya puts Dragons together with Pointers, I guess ya gits a lot of hot dogs. Fairland 14, South Point 12.

Green at Symmes Valley: Don't look fer the Vikings to "Neal" down against the Bobcats. Symmes Valley 32, Green 12.

Wheelersburg at Portsmouth: With both teams strugglin' offensively, this could be a great defensive battle. And it'll save electricity on the scoreboard. Portsmouth 6, Wheelersburg 3.

Other games: Portsmouth Notre Dame over Oak Hill, Lucasville Valley over East, Portsmouth West over Northwest, Minford over Waverly, Sylvester & Tweety over Russell.