Christmas is a time for caroling

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, December 24, 2003

It's that wonderful time of the year again. You know, the day when we say "Merry Christmas" and the ACLU (American Communists Lawyers Union) tells us we're offending the 20 atheist in the country and have to say "Happy Holidays."

Hey guys. Holidays is derived from holy days, a direct religious reference. And if not for the birth of Christ, there would be no Christmas. The reason we have religious freedom in this country is due to millions of Christians sacrificing their lives.

I know I may have offended some of you - hopefully the ACLU - with these comments and therefore I'm not about to apologize.

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And in the spirit of the season, I'm not going to stop there. I'll be offending some more of you as I present my annual Christmas song list.

The tunes are familiar, but the words have been changed to protect absolutely no one. So clear your throat and sing along real loud.

We Three Coaches

(We Three Kings)

We three coaches got fired fast.

One placed a bet, the others got gassed.

Price wasn't sober, Rick took the over,

For Larry coeds were a blast.

(Oooh ooooh)

Coaches blunder, look what you've done.

Those decisions were pretty dumb.

I sit all alone

Here next to my phone,

And hope a second chance will come.


Dashing Down The Field

(Jingle Bells)

Dashing down the field

In a mascot claiming race

The sausage takes the lead

'Till he gets smacked in the face.

Randall Simon had this joke

With his bat he'd start to wail.

But instead of getting lots of laughs

He found himself in jail.

Oh, Jingle bells, jingle bells

Simon's not being mean.

I think he was trying to

Moonlight for Jimmy Dean.


The First Corked Bat

(The First Noel)

The first corked bat

That Sammy did swing

Was in certain game BPs

That nev'r meant anything.

But he used it one game

When he was in a slump.

And the cork spilled on the field

So fans call him a chump.


So-sa, So-sa, So-sa, So-sa.

Just stick with the steroids from Barry Bonds' stash.


O Come All Ye Reds Fans

(O Come All Ye Faithful)

O come all ye Reds fans

To our brand new ballpark.

O come watch us lose our games

In either light or dark.

If the whole season fails

We'll move our players in a fire sale.

Our roster's full of no names.

That's why we lost a hundred games.

And this year's more of the same

So who is next to bail?


And here are a couple of bonus non-sports carols:

O Little Town of Neverland

(O Little Town of Bethlehem)

O Little Town of Neverland

Is open to small boys.

And if you choose to spend the night

Jacko will share his toys.

And when the night has ended

The boys tell cops their tales.

But Michael has a secret plan

Where he drops his soap in jail.


Joy To The World!

Joy to the world, Saddam's been caught

In a hole with just a cot.

He was skinny as a stick.

And listenin' to the Dixie Chicks.

He looks like a stray dog.

He smells like LA smog.

And he wonders, he wonders if he'll get flogged.

Merry Christmas!

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.