Santa Claus: The exclusive interview

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, December 24, 2003

NORTH POLE - It has been quite a year, and no one knows more about the good and bad of 2003 than that jolly old man up north, namely Santa Claus.

Because Santa knows who has been naughty or nice, it was only fitting that good old St. Nick give the people all the inside information.

In order to get the information, famed newsman Dan Lather journeyed early Christmas Eve to Santa’s Castle and Workshop Inc., and interview the legendary elf.

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(Knock knock knock)

Mrs. Claus: I'll get it. You just keep working. (Opening the door). Yes? May I help you?

Lather: Yes, ma’am. My name is Dan Lather and I’ve been sent here by The Ironton Tribune to interview Santa.

Mrs. Claus: Well, let me see if he has a minute or two for you.

Santa: I heard, dear. Yes, send him in. I'm polishing my boots. I can talk and polish at the same time.

Lather: I appreciate the time, Santa, so lets get right to it. How do you keep up on everyone?

Santa: I used to have a crystal ball and send out little birds. Now, I just use the internet, satellites, cell phones and that tattle tale Linda Tripp.

Lather: Do you actually read every letter you receive?

Santa: I certainly do. In fact, I have a lot of letters that are unsigned for security reasons. But I know who they really are and I answer them, too. I did help catch Saddam Hussein, you know.

Lather: You helped catch Hussein? Now just how did you do that?

Santa: From his Christmas list. It had some clues in it, I put two and two together and came up with a spider hole.

Lather: What kind of clues?

Santa: Well here. Look at the letter.

(Lather takes the letter and reads it.)

Dear Santa, please bring me the following:

1. Curtain

2. Scratch the curtain. Make that a floor lamp.

3. A razor and shaving cream.

4. Fake I.D. and passport.

5. Toothbrush and comb.

6. Dixie Chicks CD.

Lather: I see what you mean. Do you have any others?

Santa: Sure. Here, look at these. I'll start you with an easy one.

Dear Santa, please me bring me the following:

1. A little black book

2. A box of Cuban cigars

Lather: You don’t mean Bill Clinton?

Santa: You've got it. Here, try this one.

Dear Santa, please bring me the following:

1. A GI Joe doll

2. A globe

3. Mattel’s "See & Say" animals

4. "The Cat In The Hat" book (I want to see if it is as good as the movie.)

Lather: Hmmm. That’s a tough one. Who is it?

Santa: President Bush.

Lather: Wow! You really do know about everyone. So, could you tell me what it says on my background checklist?

Santa: I cant tell you that, but I will tell you it would be a good idea to stop by and see Father Nau before you go to bed tonight.

Merry Christmas!