Businessman wants Santa to go corporate

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, December 29, 2004


POLE - In a world of electronics, mass marketing and corporate takeovers, no one is immune and that includes the big guy himself.

Santa Claus.

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I recently caught wind of a rumor and followed the tip to investigate a group's business trip to see Santa with a proposed business deal. I got a job cleaning the stable and feeding the reindeer in an effort to uncover the exact reason for the trip and the information I obtained was mind boggling.

Here is a complete report of the entire transaction:

A group of people made their way to the door of the Christmas Castle. One gentleman rang the door bell which played the tune, "Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer." An extra large man in a red suit opened the door.

Stump: Yes, Mr. Claus ….

Santa: Please, call me Santa.

Stump: All right, Santa it is. As I was saying, Santa, my name is Donald Stump. I'm a business magnate from New York and these are some of my associates. This here is Ms. Kari O'Keye, who owns a record production business.

This over here is Detroit automotive industrialist Carl Stahl. Over here is NIKE

CEO Tyrone Shue, novelty business specialist Dewey Needum, and insurance mogul Ben Dover.

Santa: What about the big guy back there who looks like a giant cheeseburger?

Stump: Oh, don't pay attention to him. That's Michael Moore. He thinks everyone wants to know his opinion.

Santa: It's nice to meet you. I know all about each of you.

Stump: How? Have you met them before?

Santa: Trust me. I know about everyone including you.

Stump: Oh, uh, okay. Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering why all of us are here visiting you.

Santa: The thought has crossed my mind.

Stump: Well, we've been studying your entire operations from the workshop to the workers to the reindeer to the castle, and I must say we are quite impressed.

Santa: Thank you, but I'm sure there is a reason why you put together such an extensive study.

Stump: Yes there is, sir. You see, we want to purchase your entire operation. We want to make Santa's Workshop a world-wide business and sell franchises to private entrepreneurs.

Santa: I enjoy being in business for myself. Why would I want to sell to you?

Stump: You see, we want to buy the business and incorporate it. We'll sell stock and name you as the CEO. We can market stuffed dolls that are likenesses of you, sell breakfast cereal called "Kringle Krunch" and funny hats with reindeer antlers among other things. We'll use a slogan like "Santa's Workshop. Where Christmas Traditions Are Made."

Santa: That sounds pretty inviting. But why me?

Stump: The labor work force. You've got a gold mine here. Unless those little elves have a separate contract making cookies out of a tree somewhere, they work for nothing. Our profit margin will go higher than the town square Christmas tree.

Santa: What about their union leader Jimmy Hoppa?

Stump: Union leader? They have a union?

Santa: Yes, it's called NOEL. National Organization of Elf Laborers.

Stump: So how will this affect the corporation?

Santa: Not one bit.

Stump: Really? You mean it'll be a smooth transaction?

Santa: No, I didn't say that. I said it won't affect your corporation. You see, I'm not selling.

Stump: But what about the worldwide business, the stuffed toys, working as the CEO, and all the extra time off?

Santa: Mr. Stump, I already have all those things. This business isn't about money and profits. It's about love and giving.

Stump: I don't think you understand what this could mean.

Santa: I don't think you understand what this could mean toward all of your Christmas presents if you don't put a little more Christmas in your daily business lives all year round. When it comes to Christmas, I can do more damage that just telling someone "You're fired!"

Stump: Oh, yeah. C'mon guys. We better get home fast. I've got some Christmas shopping to do.

Santa: Ho ho ho. Looks like it's business as usual.

Merry Christmas!