Coin-gate details soar into outer space

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Stop the presses! Ohio government stuns scientists worldwide with first man-made black hole.

Yes, that's right ladies and gentlemen, it's official. The State of Ohio has officially discovered a new, improved, state-of-the-art way to make your money disappear.

Already millions and millions of taxpayer dollars have vanished into this ever-growing, one-of-a-kind black hole. And each day as the hole grows larger; your tax dollars amazingly grow smaller.

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The Ohio Bureau of Worker's Compensation's debacle, dubbed coin-gate by some, has left "astronomers" (also known as hard-working taxpayers) as baffled as the early humans looking into the heavens and seeing the sun, moon and stars.

How could millions and millions be lost? Simple: A galactic case of mismanagement.

The pioneers of this epic failure began by taking your money and investing it in rare coins. The man who managed the coin funds for the bureau says as much as $13 million in rare coins could be missing.

On Monday, the Associated Press reported the process for figuring out exactly what happened and how much money is missing will likely cost another $6.1 million. All total, the investment losses seen by the bureau top $300 million. On second thought, make that $306.1 million.

Next week, perhaps, they'll purchase several million of the commemorative Elvis Presley decorative plates. As the TV disclaimer states, other similar products have gone up in value.

We're in. Give us $10 million worth for starters. Oh, and can we pay for this with a few of the rare coins we actually still have in our possession?

"It's like MasterCard (commercials)," House Minority Leader Chris Redfern, (D-Catawba Island), said. "Cost of audit: $5,000. Cost of hiring special counsel: $100,000. Cost of finding the truth: Priceless."

Even Mr. Spock would be proud of the state's great accomplishments.