• 59°

Confessions of serial killer: Summer shows true colors

I've had enough of living a secret life. I'm here today to tell all. I'm a killer. That's right, I've taken a life - several actually.

It's not easy for me to admit that. I was raised to be a good Christian. My Southern Baptist roots will barely be visible after this dastardly admission of guilt.

And, although I'm sure lots of killers just flat out deny their crimes, I'll admit to each slaying.

Quite frankly, each of the little punks had it coming. It's not like they were innocent. They had been stalking me for weeks.

I don't mean they were just calling me or threatening me. That's for wussy stalkers. These guys (and maybe gals) had the audacity to invade my life.

That's right they barged right into my office and began taunting me.

I considered calling law enforcement to see what options they may have to help. But just as I was reaching for the telephone, one of the little boogers whizzed by.

"That's it," I thought. "I can't take it any more."

What happened next is sort of fuzzy.

I guess the adrenaline just sort of washed over me.

The next thing I knew I was standing on a chair in my office. A bead of sweat rolled down my long forehead.

The murder weapon - a rolled up newspaper - still clutched in my right hand.

Below me was my first victim. Its tiny carcass looked rather innocent now.

Yes, now that the buzzing had stopped, its black body didn't look all that menacing at all.

Just when I was feeling a little guilty for violently lashing out, the victim's crusty little cousin divebombed me and buzzed right past my ear.

Within a few minutes the carnage was Biblical. Dozens of miniscule green and black flies lie on the ground. Their broken bodies were a testament to my own strength and accuracy with a few pages of rolled up newsprint.

The Killing Season has returned to the residents and business owners on the south side of Ironton. The mysterious flies are back. I say mysterious because last year no one in the city seemed to know why they existed or how to get rid of them.

My dear friends, sometimes men and women must rise up and fight for peace, justice and the American way of life.

I'm ready to help arm my fellow citizens, too. Stop by the newspaper and pay for your subscription of six months or longer and we'll give you a brand new, never-been-fired fly swatter so you can take up arms when necessary.

Kevin Cooper is publisher of The Ironton Tribune. He can be reached at (740) 532-1441 ext. 12 or by e-mail to kevin.cooper@irontontribune.com.