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Frequently asked questions about #039;Peace Mom#039; Sheehan

Q. So who exactly is this Peace Mom woman anyway?

A. Cindy Sheehan is a 48-year-old from Vacaville, Calif., who, in response to losing her son Casey in Iraq is selfishly attempting to horde the honor of being a gold star mother all to herself.

Q. What?

A. She's against the war.

Q. Oh, okay, so why the heck was she hunkered down in a ditch outside the Texas White House bothering the president during his vacation?

A. Vacation? 35 days is not a vacation. 35 days is a sabbatical. 35 days is a retreat. It's five weeks. 36 hours short of a tenth of a year. Longer than the gestation period of most mammals. Where's my 35-day vacation? Where's your 35-day vacation? Where's the American public's 35-day vacation?

Q. Good point, but that wasn't the question.

A. I'm sorry, got a bit worked up there. What was the question again?

Q. What's she doing there?

A. She's been camped outside the president's ranch to meet with him and she vows to stay until he tells her exactly what noble cause her son died for. And she doesn't want to hear "Operation 2 Bucks A Gallon."

Q. Wouldn't you think a president this media-savvy would just invite her inside for some cookies and lemonade and get it over with?

A. My theory is he's spent too much time grilling cheese sandwiches on the hood of his pickup, and might be suffering from heat stroke. Besides, what kind of a man takes his family to Crawford, Texas, for a vacation?

Q. Are you saying west Texas in August is not what you call your garden spot?

A. I'm saying it's real similar to hell and that's assuming hell has winged insects the size of footstools.

Q. How has the conservative media responded?

A. You mean the right-wing smear machine?

Q. Whatever.

A. Bill O'Reilly jumped on Ms. Sheehan like a gorilla stomping the air out of an inflatable life raft in order to fit in the back of an overstuffed Cadillac Escalade.

Q. Any specific accusations?

A. You could say that. You could also say porcupine pelts make substandard day care pillows. Cindy Sheehan has been accused of everything from unpaid parking tickets to the ultimate treasonous act - association with Michael Moore. Won't be long before rumors of a lesbian relationship with Hillary Clinton emerge.

Q. What about the claims that Ms. Sheehan has become a tool of the left?

A. A tool of the left. That's a laugh. Fox News calling Cindy Sheehan a political tool. A lot like a rattlesnake calling a scorpion noxious. Or a White House official complaining about the smearing of Karl Rove. You can't make stuff up like this.

Q. Any comment on the criticisms that the protest has morphed from a lonely vigil into pretty much just another gathering of the usual suspects?

A. Last I looked, Jesse Jackson hadn't yet made an appearance.

Q. Ms. Sheehan has been called away due to a family sickness. How will her absence affect the impact of her vigil?

A. Not much, besides, with gas approaching three bucks a gallon, I wouldn't be surprised if a parading convoy of SUV owners pitching gravel into each other's windshields took her place.

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world.

E-mail Will at willdurst@sbcglobal.net.