Democrats working on Contract with America 2.1

Published 12:00 am Wednesday, October 26, 2005

The calendar says the middle of autumn but for the Democrats it should be dead solid springtime.

As a group, I'm fairly flabbergasted they aren't spending all their spare time twirling and spinning and throwing spears of asparagus into a bonfire while wearing nothing but stringed acorn necklaces or however it is that godless secularists make their sacrifices.

For this should be a good time. One that calls for slow-motion skipping on the beach with bouquets of ribbons attached to helium balloons trailing in the breeze over their sun-kissed shoulders.

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Why? Because the GOP is in deep doo doo. How deep is the doo doo? Real deep. So deep that every Republican member of Congress will soon be issued a three-foot length of bamboo for use as a breathing tube.

So deep that watching Saddam Hussein plead &#8220not guilty” is just a grim reminder that it won't be long before Karl Rove, Scooter Libby and Bill Frist get the chance to do the same. So deep that the best news the Republicans received all week was their House Majority Leader avoided a nationally televised perp walk by surrendering to Houston authorities on his own.

One would think the Democrats' reaction would be to capitalize on their adversary's troubles. To grab the feet of the majority party and run down the stairs of the Washington Monument with the head of their opponent bouncing off each of the 897 cement steps.

One would think and one would be as wrong as plaid velour. Instead, their response is a bad Xerox without any toner.

Trying to replicate Newt Gingrich's 94 Congressional coup, Nancy Pelosi announced the Dems are putting together their own Contract with America.

And of course they are in the process of mucking it up worse than a pig on roller skates spinning china plates.

Instead of easy-to-comprehend slogans designed for ordinary voters, the leaders of the shadow opposition are contemplating such reforms as &#8220Support fair wages with good benefits so no one goes to work every day and comes home poor and dependent on public services,” which lilts trippingly off the tongue like a diseased cattle truck off the side of Bryce Canyon.

Then there's &#8220An End to a Culture of Cronyism, Incompetence, and Corruption in America,” which is as sexy as Alan Greenspan naked. And 20 points if you can get that image out of your head in under an hour.

So, I have come up with a list of contract items the Democrats can use to ingratiate themselves with their supposed base. No need to thank me, I'm here to help.

The Democrats' New Improved Revised Contract with America 2.1

1. The It's the Economy, Stupid, Part 2 Act.

2. The Stop Shooting Ourselves in the Foot Act.

3. The &#8220Common Sense” Don't Invade Countries that had Nothing to do with 9/11 Act.

4. The We Don't Hire Buddies' Roommates (Kennedys Excepted) Act.

5. The Healthcare Good-Oil Companies Bad Act.

6. The Clinton Aura Restoration Act.

7. The Stop Whining Already Act.

8. The Fiscal Responsibility, No, Really, Act.

9. The Promise to Remember We Are Not Republicans Act.

10. The Never Run Another Effete Intellectual from Massachusetts for President Ever Again Act.

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. E-mail Will at