Day after can be hard on Santa Claus

Published 12:00 am Thursday, December 29, 2005

It is Christmas Day. The presents have been opened, the faithful have been to church and it’s time to eat more than most stomachs can handle.

But while this is the day many have been waiting for, it is the day after for Santa Claus.

Christmas Eve is the ultimate one-nighter and Santa has pulled into the reindeer barn, unhitched the team and headed for a well-deserved rest.

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However, in today’s world not even the jolly old elf can escape the media.

And since his work has been completed for yet another year, he has to “meet the press.”

Here is the text from the Christmas morning press conference:

Elf: Merry Christmas. I’m Elmer Elf, Santa’s press secretary, and welcome to this press conference. I know Santa’s tired and you want to get back to your families, so first question please.

Reporter: Santa, you’re getting older. Did you get tired at any point where you had to rest?

Santa: Yes, I did get tired, but I caught my second wind about 3:30. I’m not worried about resting. We signed the Grinch as a free agent in the offseason.

He has experience with delivering gifts and handling a sleigh. Since he turned his career around with Whoville, he’s really come a long way. He’s not fat or real jolly, but he has a lot of heart.

Reporter: Did you run into any difficulties this year?

Santa: It wasn’t as bad as the past few years. We used to worry about coming in under the radar in Iraq or getting dinged by mortar fire, but that’s virtually under control now. We might have a problem in Afghanistan.

They came out with see-through veils this year and the men aren’t too thrilled about the new fashion.

Reporter: What about going into Cuba?

Santa: We never have any problems there. For some reason a fat man with a beard doesn’t seem to worry them.

Reporter: What are the easiest places on your flight?

Santa: San Francisco is easy. All we need are Barbie dolls and fingernail polish. Come to think of it, we do that in France, too.

Reporter: Are there any places in the United States that are a problem?

Santa: We’re not real happy with the Mormons having more than one wife, so we leave all their gifts in Las Vegas just to tick them off.

Reporter: Did you get anything for Terrell Owens this year?

Santa: Next question.

Reporter: Did you get anything for Rafael Palmeiro?

Santa: Yes, One-A-Day vitamins.

Reporter: Is there anything you plan to do in the offseason.

Santa: Well, we usually take the sled to Dave Lawless at the Ironton High School auto shop for a check up. We might look into a couple of reindeer for backup help, but our biggest concern is getting this new labor conract with the elves approved. We can’t afford any lengthy work stoppage.

If there aren’t any more questions, I’m going unstairs of my castle and settle in for a long winter’s nap. Merry Christmas and see you next year.