Haynesworth made a mistake by injuring Guode

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Gridiron Goober/The Ironton Tribune

Looks like Bill Cosby done got some new material fer his Fat Albert character.

In this case, Albert is Tennessee Titans defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth who did some stompin’ on Dallas center Andrew Guode last Sunday and drew a five-game suspension from the NFL.

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Not only is it the longest on-field suspension in NFL history, Haynesworth will lose nearly $200 thousand in salary.

So why did he do it? Welp, after he apologized, he wrote a letter to the NFL and explained what happened. Here are his 10 excuses:

10. The sun got in my eyes. Twice.

9. I was trying to emulate Emmitt Smith’s routine on Dancing with the Stars.

8. I needed some time off to cut a rap album.

7. Needed something to take my mind off that road rage incident.

6. Thought I saw a spider on his helmet and you know how scared I am of spiders.

5. I could have sworn he was smokin’ a cigarette and I tried to put it out since there’s a strict NFL “No Smoking” policy on the field.

4. I accidentally stepped in some chewing gum and I was tryin’ to get rid of it.

3. I just bought a new pair of cleats at Bob Linn’s and I was trying to break them in.

2. The star on his helmet made me think it was Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and that they wanted my footprints.

1. You’ve heard the old children’s rhyme, “Step on a crack, break your mother’s back. Step on a center, watch your boss’ head splinter.”

Watch where yer steppin’.

Ennywho, last week I wuz 10-4 to make the season record 76-30 (.717 percentage). We’re at week No. 7 all ready.

Gallipolis at Ironton: The city of the Gulls visits Iron Town. Look fer the Fightin’ Tigers to “steel” this one. Ironton 28, Gallipolis 23.

Chesapeake at Coal Grove: Look fer these teams to score more than Sam Malone of “Cheers.” Coal Grove 44, Chesapeake 40.

Fairland at Rock Hill: I thinks Indians make better fire than dragons. This’ll be a hot one. Rock Hill 30, Fairland 27.

South Point at River Valley: The Pointers must guard against an upset. But that’s not as bad as River Valley’s secondary trying to guard against the Pointers passing game. South Point 27, River Valley 18.

Symmes Valley at Green: Pickin’ the winner of this one is a real mystery. That’s why I say, ‘The (Jon) Butler did it.’ Green 22, Symmes Valley 21.

Wheelersburg at Waverly: Fer the second straight week the Pirates are underdogs to an unbeaten. Kin lightning strike twice? What do you think? Wheelersburg 24, Waverly 21.

Others: Chillicothe over Portsmouth, Logan over Marietta, Zanesville over Athens, Jackson over Warren, New Lexington over Portsmouth West, Minford over Northwest, St. Thomas Aquinas over Lucasville Valley, Oak Hill over Portsmouth Notre Dame, South Gallia over Portsmouth East.