Don#8217;t expect answers from MLB meeting with Giambi

Published 12:00 am Tuesday, July 3, 2007

Will there be a break in the case, or just another tease to keep the issue alive?

New York Yankees Jason Giambi has publicly agreed to meet this week with Major Leauge Baseball commissioner Bud Selig and chief steroid investigator George Mitchell.

Actually, Giambi has all ready met with Selig and Mitchell. It was held at the Lakers’ Kobe Bryant Appreciation Day dinner so that they’d be sure no one would see them.

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Thanks to the special surveillance equipment of The Ironton Tribune, I was able to sneak in and list the whole experience on video tape. Here’s an audio transcript:

Giambi: Hello, Mr. Selig, and I’m sorry and I don’t know who you are.

Mitchell: I’m George Mitchell. I’m conducting the steroid investigation for Major League Baseball. You know, I’m the former Senate majority leader.

Giambi: You were in the Senate? What did ya do?

Selig: Never mind all that. Mr. Winchell said you were ready to cooperate.

Mitchell: My name is Mitchell, not Winchell.

Selig: Oh, okay. Whatever. Any way, I have some questions for you, Mr. Giambi. Tell me the names of the other players who are doing steroids, past and present.

Giambi: I’m no rat, Mr. Selig. I told you and Mr. Matchwell I wouldn’t name names. If word got out that I told you about Barry Bonds and Gary Sheffield and how they did steroids, they’d never forgive me for squealing. And I could forget ever getting another Christmas gift like that special “cream” they’re both so crazy about.

Selig: I guess you’re right.

Mitchell: The name is Mitchell, not Matchwell. Besides, I started this investigation. I was the one going around and asking questions.

Giambi: So you were asking questions about steroid use? Heck, I thought you were a clubhouse boy and were taking pre-game food orders.

Mitchell: How could you think that? Didn’t you listen to the questions I was asking?

Giambi: Come to think of it, could you run to McDonald’s and get me a quarter pounder? I eat one of those before every game. It drives my trainer crazy.

Mitchell: I’m not a clubhouse boy.

Selig: You have a personal trainer, Mr. Giambi? Oh, and Maxwell, I’ll take one of those quarter pounders, too, along with some fries.

Mitchell: Dad burn it, I’m not a clubhouse boy. I’m George Mitchell. I’m the chief investigator for baseball.

Giambi: Yeah, I have my own trainer, but it’s not Greg Anderson. My trainer can’t get any steroids like Anderson. Heck, he can’t even supply the players like the Mets clubhouse boy Kirk “Murdock” Radomski. Hey, are you Radomski’s dad?

Mitchell: I told you my name is George Mitchell. I’m not a clubhouse boy. I’m not even the clubhouse boy’s father.

Selig: Settle down. It’s going to be all right. As soon as my special investigator gets here, we’ll get to the heart of this steroid problem. By the way, I still didn’t get my quarterpounder.

And baseball fans can expect to get similar answers and information. After all, no one seems to respect or fear Mr. Whitwell.

- Sinatra -

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.