A list of gifts for Republicans, Democrats

Published 12:00 am Friday, December 21, 2007

If Santa Claus represents all good hope, then I want to tell you I choose to believe.

And so with confidence that good things can happen, here is my political gift list for Christmas 2007.

For my Republican friends:

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I wish for all of the presidential candidates to “Have a nice day.”


They have been campaigning on who is the meanest to immigrants, who will attack Iran the fastest and the fiercest, and on how spending money helping the poor is simply a bad choice.

That must all be pretty depressing. It is certainly depressing to listen to in their debates.

Also for my Republican friends I want to tell them that there is no religious test for the presidency. Listen, carefully, this is important.

Mr. Romney did not need to give his speech arguing that Mormons are pretty much the same as conservative Christians. Mr. Huckabee can stop suggesting that he is the most Christian of all of the Christian candidates.

You see, the founding fathers made it so that there can be no religious litmus test to run for political office. They had this odd idea that if we mixed religion and politics up, things would go bad. So my gift to them is a reminder of the wisdom of our forefathers.

Now for the Republicans in Congress, a few small gifts. Stop opposing everything.

I know, I know, if you refuse to pass any bills into law you and the president can argue that this Congress is, excuse the expression, as bad as when you ran the place. But in order to make this point you had to deny S-CHIPS funding, refuse to identify waterboarding as torture, and refuse to fully fund evil programs like Head Start.

My gift to them is a reminder that the American people are watching you, and they often vote.

For my Democratic friends running for president, kindly focus upon issues that matter to all of us if you want to win the presidency.

Our houses matter, interest rates matter, taxes matter, killer toys matter, and the price of gas matters. Of course, it is easy to run against Republicans who have lost their brand name, but you still need to offer America a vision of a better future than our current president has provided.

For Democrats in Congress, how do you pick a gift for someone who needs everything?

How about this? In the Senate, make the Republicans, who are setting records daily for blocking legislation, actually do the work of the filibuster. Every time, every issue, every day.

No recesses until the next election, no days off, no breaks other than potty breaks, until somebody stops fighting against all good bills. It is the gift of good advice.

For our president, another person hard to buy for, what gift can one give to the least popular president since polls have recorded that category?

I could give him approval, but even Santa has limits, so I doubt I could deliver on that one. No, there is only one gift that is perfect this year. I give the gift of Pinocchio nose.

Should you lie to the American people your nose will grow instantly. This way you won’t have to forget so many things, regret so much you have done, or worry about your future legacy.

Imagine having to tell the truth on Valerie Plame, Joe Wilson, the CIA tapes, energy policy, torture, even the real rationale for the Iraqi invasion? It will be liberating.

Merry Christmas.

Jim Crawford is a contributing columnist for The Ironton Tribune.