Not long after the Cincinnati Bengals lost to the Cleveland Browns on Sunday, team owner Mike Brown asked coach Marvin Lewis to meet with him.

The Bengals were off to an 0-4 start and the franchise was beginning to look like the team that had the worst record of any NFL team in the 1990s. Brown wanted some answers.

With the help of a hidden microphone, here are some of the excerpts from that conversation.

Brown: Marvin, I don’t understand how we can lose in overtime on the road to the defending Super Bowl champions and then come home and lose to the winless Browns.

Lewis: I think we were just looking ahead to Dallas.

Brown: But we were 0-3. How could we be looking ahead to anyone?

Lewis: Well, Dallas has Tony Romo playing quarterback and our guys are looking forward to seeing his girlfriend Jessica Simpson. I’m kinda getting goosebumps myself.

Brown: Marvin, our offense was terrible. I know Palmer didn’t play, but Ryan Fitzpatrick? I help draft him and I didn’t know who he was.

Lewis: We thought we could put Cleveland’s defense to sleep because they wouldn’t know who he was either. Did you say his name was Ryan Fitzpatrick? But you have to admit, our defense was pretty good.

Brown: Good defense? Derek Anderson has been awful all season and he was at his worse on Sunday. They would have been better if Carson Palmer had played for them and threw left-handed.

Lewis: Well, you have a point there. Did you say our backup quarterback’s last name was Fitzpatrick?

Brown: Well, our offense was bad. What do you think about our team’s execution.

Lewis: I’m all for it.

Brown: Seriously Marvin, can’ we turn this thing around.

Lewis: I’m sorry. What was that last question. I was just looking throught the “Help Wanted” ads in the newspaper.

–– Sinatra ––