I remember the scene in “A Night at the Opera” wherre Groucho and Chico Marx are talking about signing a contract and look it over.

Groucho says, “That’s, that’s in every contract. That’s what they call a sanity clause.” To which Chico responded, “Ha ha ha. You can’t fool me. There ain’t no Sanity Clause.”

Well, you’re wrong Chico. There is a Santa Claus and he lives in all of us. He’s the spirit of Christmas. It’s a spirit we use for lots of things like going around and singing Christmas carols.

Yes, it’s time to clear our throats and sing some special carols that I’ve written just for this year. Feel free to sing along.

“I Saw Roger Kissing

Mindy Girl”

(Tune: I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus)

I saw Roger kissing Mindy girl

In a hotel room in ol’ Nashville.

He said they were just friends.

That he would come back when

Her age would keep the pitcher out of jail.

Then I saw Roger hiss at McNamee

Saying he had used a special aid.

He took his lovely spouse

To the party at Jose’s house

So his career would not begin to fade.

Now I see Roger kiss it all good-bye

Six Cy Young’s won’t mean that much to all.

What he did was no great feat

Cause all he did was cheat

Now he won’t be in baseball’s Hall.

“Cleveland Browns

Were Riding High”

(Tune: Angles We Have Heard On High)

Cleveland Browns were riding high

Suddenly they’re racked with pain

Injuries hurt all our guys

Now the fans must be restrained.

Rooooo-o-me-o

You’re job’s hangin’ by a thread

Roooo-o-me-o

This season has long been dead.

Anderson how did you last?

You’re performance was a sin.

Edwards couldn’t catch a pass.

And why did Smith hit Brady Quinn?

Rooooo-o-me-o

You’re time here has all gone sour

Roooo-o-me-o

Lerner won’t you call Bill Cowher?

“O Come All Receivers”

(Tune: O Come All Ye Faithful)

O come all receivers

To see Jason Garrett

O come Roy,

And Patrick to whine like kids.

Romo and Whitten won’t let us play with them.

You know I’m no complainer

You know I’m no grandstander

You know I’m a team player

I am T.O.

Send all your passes

Right in my direction

Except for that sexy one

To Jessica Simpson

I’m called the villian

But I think it’s ESPN

You know I’m no complainer

You know I’m no grandstander

You know I’m a team player

I am T.O.

“Joy To The Squirrel”

(Tune: Joy To The World)

Joy to the squirrel. This Raider’s insane.

He’s gone and fired poor Lane.

I think his brain is fried

He said the coach had lied

He won’t honor their deal

Lane’s filed an appeal

And now that makes nine guys who’ve got the ax.

Who wants to coach this circus team?

This job is no one’s dream.

Tom Cable got the task

But Davis had to ask

Just who the hell is he?

Ev’ryone listen to me.

You’re only hope now is that I drop dead.

Hmmm. It doesn’t exactly make you go ho, ho, ho, does it? Oh well.

Merry Christmas!

–– Sinatra ––

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.