Some things in life should just be kept private

Published 11:05 am Thursday, September 24, 2009

Darren Diamond, a lifelong friend of mine, called me recently and asked me to write an opinion article about, well, truck testicles.

He wasn’t talking about the tightened end of the bolt that holds your tire to the hub.

No, what Darren had in mind has recently “sacked” the vehicle adornment industry.

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“Billy, I don’t want to be behind somebody with those things hanging from their truck and have to explain to my (10-year-old) daughter what they are,” he screamed at eardrum-busting decibels. “Do you?”

“No, I don’t,” I answered with just enough of a snicker to ignite the ensuing 6:30 a.m. cursing.

“Are you laughing?” Darren asked, unaware that I was clueless about the national phenomenon of dangling from car bumpers, in cast form, the tenderest portion of the male anatomy.

“No, I’m not laughing at you,” I assured him.

So I investigated.

A Google search of this phenomenon showed me that I need to pay more attention when I drive. Those things are bouncing everywhere.

Since I know that people have an innate desire to express themselves in some manner (especially the 25 and younger crowd), I categorized these, um, ornaments, alongside sagging pants, rap music and the sideways, flat-billed ball hat as a phase nobody will ever admit to having been associated with later in life.

But Darren was so ticked off.

As I thought about it, I sympathized with him.

Why do people hang these things from their bumpers and why do they need other people to see them? What if my own 10-year-old daughter asks me what they are or why they are there?

My animated hero, Shrek, summed up this lack of self-confidence a few years ago when he asked if Prince Farquad was “compensating for something.”

Are our privates-bearing roadsters telling us something about what they are lacking in person?

I don’t know.

But to those of you who dangle your unmentionables from your bumper, thanks in advance for the laugh at your expense.

Billy Bruce is a freelance writer who lives in Pedro. He can be contacted at or by visiting his website,