Helpful tips how not to get the swine flu

Published 10:24 am Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Well, look at the time. Aren’t we expecting the Return of the Bride of the Son of the Swine Flu pretty soon?

That’s right. It’s Baaaaack and this time, it’s personal.

Scientists predict the virus will be worse this swing through the Northern Hemisphere, but come on, no matter how bad it gets, it’s still not going to be 1918.

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After all, our public water-supply systems have undergone a bit of an upgrade over the last 90 years. “Now, With Less Dysentery!”

Of course, with the return of the H1N1 virus, (don’t want to disparage our proud American pork producers) we are mere nanoseconds away from being inundated with literally three tons of articles on how not to contract it.

So, let me assist by being the first to throw out a quick purview.


#1. Wash your hands. If soap and water aren’t available, use an alcohol-based rub. Single-Malt Scotch should do the trick. Keep that larynx clean as well.

#2. Wear a mask. If you can’t find one of those scrub masks, use a Halloween mask. What’s a pandemic without a little fun? A Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner mask might prove effective enough to frighten the swine flu away.

#3. Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it, or collect them and construct a sort of swine shrine. Or wipe the doorknob and garage door handle of that annoying radical neighbor of yours.

#4. Drink plenty of fluids. Preferably domestic beer. Or Single Malt Scotch. Didn’t we just talk about how alcohol inhibits bacteria growth?

#5. Throw everything out. No, everything. Clutter causes confusion. And as any medical expert will tell you, confusion leads to the flu.

#6. Sleep is good. Try to find a way to sleep at work. A rested employee is not a communicable employee.

#7. The CDC recommends a seasonal flu vaccine. As a matter of fact, try to stockpile as many drugs as you can. Flush your body with drugs and environmentally friendly antimicrobials. And Single Malt Scotch. Safe and easy and practical to use.

#8. Wear light colors. No, wait, that’s for heat advisories. But still applies to the flu, because that way we can see all the various effluvia accumulating on peoples’ clothing and know whom to avoid.

#9. Stay away from sick people. In other words, don’t watch Glen Beck.

#10. Avoid touching your eyes, nose and mouth. And arms and feet and hair. And shoes and surfaces and fabrics. Get nude. Repeat after me, “Naked is safe. Naked in the bathroom is safer. Naked in the tub curled into a fetal position covered with a hypoallergenic salve is safest.”

Will Durst is a political comedian who has performed around the world. E-mail Will at