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Sports Christmas carols not made for church choir

Yes, Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year. There’s parties for hosting, marshmellows for toasting, and caroling out in the cold.

And in the world of sports, there are athletes for roasting and caroling with my own carols.

Even though Father Huffman is our new pastor, I think Father Nau all ready warned him not to let the choir at Midnight Mass use any of my writings. I, for one, don’t understand it. I wrote about the Browns and they are his favorite team as well as mine.

I knew I was in trouble when I let him read the carols and he immediately made me go to confession.

Any way, I can still share these “wonderful” new songs with you, the readers. I hope you’ll enjoy them and maybe your pastor will let you sing them.

Oh, he made you go to confession, too, and you’re not even Catholic. Sorry.

Oh well, sing along at home and enjoy this year’s Christmas sports carols.

Football Wonderland

(Tune: Winter Wonderland)

Telephone rings, Favre is listening.

Childress needs play that’s glistening.

But Favre is all mired, should he play or retire.

Nothing like that football wonderland.

Gone away are the Packers.

And still Favre is no slacker.

First he tried out the Jets

But that was a mess.

Nothing like that football wonderland.

In the Meadowlands he threw a touchdown.

Next he led a win against the Browns.

Writers asked, “Is he all but washed up?

As he led the Vikes to the division crown.

Later on he’ll perspire.

Deciding if he should retire.

But I’ll lay you big odds

He’ll keep this fun job.

Nothing like that football wonderland.

Joy to The World!

Mike Holgrem’s Come

(Tune: Joy To The World)

Joy to the world! Mike Holgrem’s come.

Browns’ fans might have some hope.

Mangini has to know. He’ll be the first to go.

Like players who choose to mope

Like players who choose to mope.

Like players, like players who choose to mope.

Joy to the world! Some wisdom’s come.

Workouts won’t last four hours.

And if you skip the bill, on stuff at the hotel

The fine won’t make you sour

The fine won’t make you sour

And the fine won’t, the fine won’t make players sour.

We Three Players

(Tune: We Three Kings)

We three players took HGH

Blamed the docs in whom we had faith.

Manny’s not Manny

The drug was for granny

Is anyone left who is safe? (Chorus)

(Chorus)

Ohhh oh, drugs of wonder, banned long ago

Players pretend that they didn’t know.

Random testing keeps them guessing

And Selig says “Just say no.”

Big Papi said that he was surprised

But pressure caused A-Rod to lie

Clemens and Bonds

Sit back and yawn

While others are left to fry. (Chorus)

It Came Upon The Midnight Hour

(Tune: It Came Upon A Midnight Clear)

It came upon the midnight hour

A call from his New York girl

When Elin heard she grew upset

And gave his 9-iron a whirl.

He drove his car to driveway’s end

And hit a hydrant and tree.

But that was nothing at all compared

To the blow across Tiger’s teeth.

He had a girl in ev’ry town

Three years is quite a scam.

They all looked like a Barbie doll

Gomer Pyle just said, “Shazam!”

He had awards and lots of cash

Now sponsors all pulled out.

There’s still another blow to come

From alimony’s clout.

Merry Christmas!

—— Sinatra ——

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.