It’s that most wonderful time of the year. And for some sports figures, it’s a welcome change from the rest of the year.

A lot of sports celebrities would be the first in line to exchange their year at the service desk if it was possible.

I was visiting Santa recently and just happened to look at his naughty and nice list and caught a few names. Unfortunately, I only saw the names on the naughty list.

I jotted them down and decided to write some Christmas carols as a tribute to their year. Well, maybe not so much of a tribute as a eulogy.

I passed the names along to Father Huffman in hopes that he would grant them forgiveness. He thanked me, but then had the nerve to ask me if I was on the naughty or nice list.

It’s on the nice list now after I erased it from the naughty side, but after I wrote these new Christmas sports carols I got an email from Santa.

You guessed it. Looks like another year with a stocking full of coal.

Have fun and sing along. It’s too late for you to get put on the naughty list.

We Wish We Could See Your Girlfriend

(Tune: We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

We wish we could see your girlfriend

We wish we could see your girlfriend

We wish we could see your girlfriend

But I guess you do, too.

 

Your courtship’s an ill-thought hoax

Your courtship’s an ill-thought hoax

Your courtship’s an ill-thought hoax

So you’re the butt of all jokes.

——

Do You Know What I Know?

(Tune: Do You Hear What I Hear?)

Said the OSU prez to the gathered crowd

Do you know what I know?

(Do you know what I know?)

‘Bout damn Catholics and ND priests?

Do you know what I know?

(Do you know what I know?)

You just can’t trust them in the least.

Their word, their word, except on Sundays

Is a lie as big as my tie

Is a lie as big as my tie.

 

Said the OSU prez to the gathered crowd

Do you know what I know?

(Do you know what I know?)

SEC guys can’t read or write.

Do you know what I know?

(Do you know what I know?)

Both Kentucky schools aren’t very bright.

Bielema, Bielema, is nothing but a thug

Oh I hope this room isn’t bugged.

Oh I hope this room isn’t bugged.

——

Walkin’ Round In Tebow’s College Shirt

(Tune: Winter Wonderland)

Got a tweet from Johnny Football

Signing stuff at the strip mall

Got a Heisman and fame, secret cash for his name

Walkin’ round in Tebow’s college shirt.

 

I’m the talk of the nation

But I’m stuck in College Station

No need to be loyal

Dad got rich drillin’ oil

Walkin’ round in Tebow’s college shirt.

——

Have A Tough Guy Bully Christmas

(Tune: Have A Holly Jolly Christmas)

Have a tough guy bully Christmas

It’s that playoff time of year.

I don’t know if Incognito

Will make you buy all the beer.

 

Have a tough guy bully Christmas

And when you walked in for lunch

We’ll eat our fill and leave you the bill

And then deal a sucker punch.

 

Oh no, Martin did go

And blamed it on Ritchie.

Got a call on his phone

“Kiss my rear, Johnny!”

 

Have a tough guy bully Christmas

It’s that playoff time of year.

I don’t know if Incognito

Will make you buy all the beer.

——

Brody The Black-Nosed Pet Dog

(Tune: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Brody the black-nosed pet dog

Knew he’d never go to jail

So “he” bought his own pot

And had it shipped in the mail.

 

Owners Chris and Melanie

Said that they weren’t to blame

They were at the ballpark

Where Perez tried to save the game.

 

Then one hazy summer’s day

The cops searched through their house

The box was addressed to their dog

And the pot bong to the mouse.

 

Even though Brody loved them

And how Chris pitched the ball

He growled at their story

He wasn’t going to take the fall.

 

Merry Christmas!

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.