Watching the Cincinnati Reds’ offense on life support the past few weeks made me realize that I needed to write something about them whether it was encouragement or a eulogy.

So I thought for a couple of minutes and…nothing.

Then I thought about something I read where John Lennon spent five hours trying to think of a song and hit the proverbial brick wall. He went to bed and then it hit him as he lay down. The whole song came to him and — with Paul McCartney helping to smooth the rough edges — had a huge hit.

I listened to that song and thought, “Hey, Lennon’s dead. He won’t know. I’ll butcher it.”

So from the wonderful song of “Nowhere Man” came the parody “Nowhere Bats.”

Parodies I can do. Did my first one when I was 15 after reading that “American Pie” was the longest song to ever reach No. 1 on the charts. And I did the whole nonsensical song in only one Spanish class.

Come to think of it, I wrote a lot of parodies and other stories along with playing tabletop football in Spanish class. That might explain the “D” that one quarter. I told my parents the teacher didn’t like me. In this case, I wasn’t lying.

So with the threat of the Reds’ hitters cursing me and Lennon/McCartney Inc. suing me, here is Nowhere Bats:

 

Reds swing real nowhere bats

Piling up their nowhere stats

Making all their nowhere plans for the playoffs

 

Haven’t got a win in view

Runs have been so very few

Any hopes make all Reds’ fans just scoff

 

Nowhere bats keep whiffin’

At ev’ry pitch they’re still missing

Nowhere bats a series crown is off the wall

 

Reds seem blind as they can be

Pitching is the saving key

Nowhere bats can you see hits at all?

 

Nowhere bats don’t worry

The hits’ll come in a flurry

Leave it all till Votto comes to give you a boost

 

Reds swing real nowhere bats

Piling up their nowhere stats

Making all their nowhere plans for the playoffs

 

Nowhere bats don’t worry

The hits’ll come in a flurry

Leave it all till Votto comes to give you a boost

 

Reds swing real nowhere bats

Piling up their nowhere stats

Making all their nowhere plans for the playoffs (say three times)

 

Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.