Watching candidates grow

Published 3:05 pm Wednesday, July 29, 2015

I’ve got to congratulate Donald Trump for how fast he’s become more annoying to the Republican Party than a mouse in an air conditioning unit. He’s like that popcorn husk that gets stuck in the back of your molars and you can’t pry it out with a cord of toothpicks. He’s almost as grating as the Kars for Kids commercial.

The aerodynamically coiffed real estate developer recently announced that if the GOP big boys don’t stop saying mean things about him, he might run as a third party candidate. “Be nice or I’ll poop on your parade” is pretty much the bombastic billionaire’s blackmail. And the way he looks when he purses his lips in concentration, you kind of get the feeling he ain’t speaking figuratively.

In other professions, behavior like this is commonly called extortion, but with these guys, it’s just politics. It’s effective politics that rekindles memories of 1992, when Ross Perot deprived Jeb’s daddy of a 2nd term. Or so GOP party stalwarts would have you believe. Of course, they also would have you believe that Ronald Reagan never raised taxes and George W. was a wartime genius.

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Trump is sucking up so much oxygen from the airwaves that his rivals have resorted to shooting off verbal flares trying to climb into the top 10 of any poll and be considered FoxWorthy come debate time.

Ted Cruz accused his own majority leader of lying to his face. Lindsey Graham destroyed his cell phone on video because Trump gave out his private number. But the major takeaway by most viewers was that Lindsey Graham still uses a flip phone. Way to appeal to the young, Mr. Modem.

Scott Walker said if elected, he’s willing to start bombing Iran on Inauguration Day. And that’s if he’s in a good mood. God have mercy should he have a flashback and think he’s dealing with a Wisconsin teachers’ union. Jeb Bush talked about phasing out Medicare and moving on to some sort of coupon plan. Because old people love coupons.

So far, Republicans have managed to frighten minorities and seniors, and it’s 16 months before the election. Figure the over/under on a “legitimate rape” comment to be eight weeks.

On the Democratic side, Bernie Sanders vowed never to run as a third party candidate but that was before he started drawing stadium crowds like a rock star. A 73-year-old socialist rock star, but a rock star nonetheless. Without the leather pants. Thank god.

But say he does get rolled by the machine known as Hillary; Senator Sanders could easily return to his lovably independent ways and run on the Vermont Loon ticket. Besides, by then, he might not be a third party candidate, but a fourth party candidate.

Then you consider Ralph Nader is only eight years older than Bernie, so maybe he could be convinced to return to the fray. And Pat Buchanan obviously has things left to say. The Green and Tea Parties both get into the act, and pretty soon we’re a third world country with upwards of 20 legitimate candidates on the ballot, and the winner has to form a coalition with some of the also-rans and be forced to actually compromise.

Naw. You’re right. Could never happen here.


Will Durst is an award- winning, nationally acclaimed comic. Go to for info about the documentary “3 Still Standing” and his new one- man show “BoomeRaging: From LSD to OMG” appearing the entire month of August at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival at the Gilded Balloon.