Sports Christmas carols continue tradition of fake news

Published 10:38 am Monday, December 25, 2017

This has been called the era of fake news. But I was doing that long before it became the norm.
For years, I’ve been bringing readers fake news, but only at Christmas time when I present the annual sports Christmas carols.
Today we hear the so-called experts tell us Christ was really born in the summer and was moved to December for various reasons. Fake news.
There are historical documents that talk of Christ’s birth being celebrated as early as 327 A.D.
Each country had its own calendar. But whether it be the calendars of Alexandria, Cyprus, Mesopotamia, Armenia, Asia Minor, Jerusalem, Antioch, Constantinople or even Rome, each country linked the birth of Christ to December 25 with some calendars suggesting they were uncertain and it could be between Dec. 25 and January 6 or 13.
Throughout the centuries there have been writings to discredit God, Christianity and the Church. Many people believe this propaganda to be fact and continue to report it as such even today.
And if I’m wrong about this information, Father Huffman or my cousin Father Kevin Lutz will let me know the error of my ways.
Anyhow, if the news agencies are going to continue with fake news, then I’m going to present yet another year of fake carols. So here is this edition of the sports Christmas carols.
Marvin The Head Coach
(Tune: Frosty The Snowman)
Marvin the head coach
Was a happy, jolly soul
Despite 15 years and lots of cheers
He never made the Super Bowl

Marvin the head coach
Said his discipline was fine
But players went to jail
And his team would fail
When it came to playoff time.

There must have been some magic
In that contract that he signed
‘Cause even though his teams would choke
Mike Brown said that was fine.

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Marvin the head coach
Had to dodge the press one day.
The reports were clear, the end was near
It was time he walked away.

Tickets In Reds’ Land
(Tune: Winter Wonderland)
Votto swings, ball is blis’tring
Billy runs, wind is whistlin’
The Reds’ offense has might
What a difficult sight
Trying to sell tickets in Reds’ Land.

Pitchers throw just like Big Bird
Starters don’t last into the third.
The bullpen is used
Worn out and abused.
Trying to find a staff in Reds’ Land.

In the minors we can mold our prospects
And pretend they’ll be the next Maloney.
Price says, “Are they ready?”
Williams says, “No man.”
“But we’ll sale the fans on this baloney.”

Later on we’ll conspire
On whether not Price gets fired.
To cover mistakes that we’ve made
We’ll try to make a big trade.
Trying to build a winner in Reds’ Land.

Joy To The Browns
(Tune: Joy To The World)
Joy to the Browns, Dorsey’s come.
Let fans receive their GM.
Let’s check the last few drafts
That made other teams laugh.
And pick some top players.
So we won’t need to say our prayers.
And quiet all the commentators.

Joy to the Browns, Sashi’s old news.
But why do we have Hue?
We need more guys like Thomas.
Haslam hasn’t kept his promise.
To save our QB’s life.
A receiver would be nice.
And end all these years of futile strife.

Let’s Go Pro
(Tune: Let It Snow)
Oh, his parenting skills are frightful
His shoes’ prices unreasonable.
LaVar just wants to be the show.
Let’s go pro, let’s go pro, let’s go pro.

His mouth shows no signs of stopping
And LiAngelo doesn’t pay when shopping.
Not even Trump can save the boy from this death row.
Let’s go pro, let’s go pro, let’s go pro.

When Magic had heard enough
He said we have the only coach that we need.
So LaVar took his other two sons
And headed across the sea.

The interest is slowly dying
Though LaVar just keeps trying
His only concern is the dough.
Let’s go pro, let’s go pro, let’s go pro.

Merry Christmas!
Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune.