Ah, Christmas time. There’s nothing like it. Unless you were on the naughty list this past year.
Seems WikiLeaks sent out an email with a naughty and nice list they found on the desk of Santa Claus. And with the email were some special messages attached to the names of several people.
The messages were actually written in the form of a Christmas carol. I read them and felt it was my job as a sports writer to inform the public of this newly discovered information.
Of course, Father Huffman saw what I did and set up a special day and time for my confession. I won’t go into his lecture but it was something about gossip or spreading rumors or something like that. I mean, it was like a sermon so I fell asleep.
(Just kidding Father. I never sleep through YOUR sermons.)
Anyway, here are this year’s latest sports Christmas carols.
The First Browns’ Win
(Tune: The First Noel)
The First Browns’ win
In more than a year
‘Caused fans to stand up
And shout out a big cheer.

But soon those cheers
Turned into loud boos
The losses kept coming
So out went coach Hue

Chorus
No wins, no win, no wins, no wins
So, in with Mayfield and out with coach Hue

But soon the ex-coach
Did join a rival foe
It upset Browns’ players
Baker said “man, that’s low.’

So, when those teams played
Baker rolled up a big score
But when Hue went to hug
Baker cut him off at the core.

Repeat Chorus
——
Hark! The Reds Pitching Woes
(Tune: Hark! The Herald Angels)
Hark! The Reds pitching woes
Meant that Price had to go
Cease this construction plan
Let’s make some deals to get our man

Joyful now we’ve got Tanner Roark
Homer Bailey stick with a fork
DeSclafani, Lorenzen and Sims
Can they get us 90 wins?

Hark! The new skipper Bell
How he does only time will tell
Can’t afford another dolt
Fans are ready to revolt

Votto vows a return to form
But how will the outfield perform?
I’m not trying to be mean
But this is no Big Red Machine
——
Watching Up In The Stands
(Tune: Winter Wonderland)
Serena swings, are you listening
As she grunts, the ball goes whistling
A familiar sight, playing tennis tonight
With her coach watching up in the stands.

Got some tips, that’s what the ref said
She got mad, thought he’s a blockhead
“You’re a thief and a liar
“Apologize or be fired”
With her coach watching up in the stands.

(Bridge)
Ramos claimed she got tips from the grandstand
So, Serena crashed her racket on the court
He said minus one point for that tirade
A big fine will surely go with this report

Later on, Serena’s coach whined
But admitted flashing her hand signs
It was a big, ugly scene
Serena got really mean
With her coach watching up in the stands.
——
O Come All Ye Recruits
(Tune: O Come All Ye Faithful)
O come all ye recruits
To the land of Louie-ville
O come all you future stars
You’ll never beat this deal.
Women and money
Your stay is sweet as honey

O come let me recruit you
O let me give you free shoes
O come for all the free booze
We’re Pitino and McGee

O come for a visit
Take time as a looker
Bring along your fathers, too
There’s plenty of hookers
Looks like we weren’t subtle
They don’t believe our rebuttal

O, the NCAA is vital
They stripped us of our title
No more basketball recital
We’re Pitino and McGee
——
Merry Christmas!
Jim Walker is sports editor of The Ironton Tribune