Celebrating 30 years of marriage, kids’ versions of the Bible stories

Published 5:46 am Sunday, March 13, 2022

On Sunday, my wife, Crystal, and I will celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary.
I must admit I don’t know how she’s put up with me this long. She must have the patience of Job! I also have to admit that I love her more today than ever before.
God has blessed us with two great kids, a wonderful son-in-law and a bouncing grandbaby boy. His name is Matthias Alexander Daniel and he has stolen our hearts!
I used to hear my parents say, “Kids grow up too fast.” I understand what they meant now that we’re a part of the Grandparents’ Club.
Kids can say the funniest things, can’t they? I recently read a collection of Bible stories actually written by children.
See if you can remember any of these stories:
• “In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked ‘Am I my brother’s son?”’
• “Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came to in pears. Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother’s birthmark. Jacob was a partridge who had twelve sons. One of Jacob’s sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
• “Sampson was a strong man who let himself be led astray by Jezebel. Then he slayed the Philistines with the ax of the apostles.
• “People who lived in Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is so hot that it is cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
• “Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw. Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy father and mother. The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
• “Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
• “David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
• “Jesus said the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.”
• “The people who followed the Lord were called the twelve decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taxi man. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.”
These humorous stories remind us that kids come in all shapes and sizes, and they bring such joy to our lives.
They also remind us that it only takes a child-like faith to please God. Jesus said in Matthew 18:3, “Truly I say to you, unless you are converted, and become like little children, you will not enter into the kingdom of heaven.” (MEV)
I thank God for my family. Many times in our 30 years of marriage, Crystal and I have faced crises and didn’t know what to do. But every time we prayed to God with child-like faith, He came through for us.
And He can do the same for you!

Rev. Doug Johnson is the senior pastor at Raven Assembly of God in Raven, Virginia.

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