In the midst of stressful elections, it is getting hairy

Published 5:00 am Wednesday, July 10, 2024

As our country goes to pot, I find myself more focused on personal matters, such as this hopeful item I read on
Researchers have identified a molecule called osteopontin, which is a potential game-changer for people who are losing their hair.
That’s good news for fellows like me, whose hair has been slowly receding for years.
For most of human history, you see, the roles of men and women were clearly defined.
Since basic survival was so difficult, the division of labor was very clear and imprinted on our DNA.
Thus, men tended to perform the tasks that required size and strength.
We wrestled bear and elk, plowed fields and defended our families from plunderers.
If a man was highly skilled in these areas, his baldness didn’t matter.
The ladies were still attracted to him.
Women, on the other hand, tended to manage other important tasks, focusing on the homestead.
Because there was more work for both men and women than there was time in the day, men and women didn’t argue much over who did what and generally appreciated each other.
But as the technological revolution took hold, fewer jobs required strength and brawn.
Technology made household chores much easier to accomplish.
Women began working the same jobs men did just as well and often better.
Today, women have made tremendous advances.
They’re doing way better than their male counterparts in advanced education and excelling in high-paying professions in the big metros.
Which is why bald men are in so much trouble.
In the old days, women chose to consort with dull men of high moral character, so long as they were a doctor or CPA.
Now that so many women are financially independent, they can be choosy, and who can blame them?
They want fellows with full heads of hair and good looks.
Balding men have it worse than ever.
Not only do they generally have trouble competing for women against their full-head-of-hair rivals, they tend to have trouble succeeding in all areas of life.
Look at the top male officials in any organization and it is rare to find one without a thick head of “executive hair.”
Most of our presidents, with the exception of our current White House occupant who attempted to cure his baldness years ago with an early hair-plug technology that wasn’t very good, had terrific hair.
You have to go all the way back to Ford in the mid-’70s to find the last receding-hairline guy who made it to the top office, though he would go on to lose his only election for president to Jimmy Carter, who had a terrific head of hair.
You have to go all the way back to Eisenhower in the ’50s to find the last bald one, though he had been instrumental in winning a major world war.
My point: In the modern era, bald fellows are on the outs.
The only exception is the current trend in which balding men shave their heads completely.
I’m thinking of giving the sleek, totally bald look a shot as I wait for scientists to figure out how to grow all of my hair back.
Or I can just pay extra-close attention to our incredibly stressful and bizarre presidential election and the rest of my hair will surely fall out by November.
Hey, maybe if the election makes all of us go bald, bald men won’t be on the outs anymore!

Tom Purcell is a Pittsburgh Tribune-Review humor columnist and is syndicated by Cagle Cartoons. Email Tom at