All aboard the Nowhere Express! Not happy with your life? Climb on in. A lot of people are riding this train.

Feel the urge to constantly gripe and moan? We have a drink-stained aisle seat near the toilet just for you.

Want to bad-mouth others for creating your lot in life? You are our most valued customer!

Marital dissatisfaction, unrealized dreams, alibis, complaints, working a job that sucks, envy of your neighbor, and the common gripe, “There’s just not enough time to”… (fill in your excuse here), are just a few of the pills every Debbie Downer or Freddie Frownsalot swallows each morning upon boarding the Nowhere Express.

Hopelessness, lack of ambition, inferiority, self-consciousness, jealousy, revenge, insecurity, fear and hatred are served on the buffet in the dining car 24/7….but allow time on your schedule because the room is always packed.

We also serve delicious desserts, such as Lack of Desire Alamode, Faithless Fudge, Manipulation Mango, and Procrastination Pie.

For the health conscious, all of our entrees and confectionary courses are made without Enthusiasm, Wisdom, Creativity or any other positive additives which may alter your foul mood.

If you dine at odd hours, however, don’t worry (We know how much you like to do that). We never run out of anything!

After dinner, you can take your anxiety to the bar and throw back unlimited shots of the deadliest of concoctions, a potion with a half-life of forever if left unchecked: Anger.

And, if that’s not enough, we apologize.

According to exit surveys, we provide more than enough misery to completely ruin your day. We’ve been serving unhappy customers since the dawn of time and this ride has never rolled the rails under capacity.

Our rates here at the Nowhere Express are non-negotiable: You willingly choose to have a miserable life and we provide the transportation to your destination. The cost to you is your happiness.

Why is our service so popular? It’s simple. Incorrigible attitudes are everywhere and they love how we cater to their demands.

They pay their fare, take a seat, and allow our soothing negative vibes to wash over their souls.

They enjoy holding grudges and making excuses for their failures. They refuse to see any faults in themselves, so they boil with anger while blaming someone else for their misery.

The best part for us is that they do all of this by choice.

Our customers do not wish to face reality or the fact that they have personal flaws. They do not understand the Golden Rule or the simple concept that they can control their own thoughts, thereby improving their lives.

If they knew they could actually choose to be happy, our services would end and the Nowhere Express would wither and die.

But we’re alive and well, thanks to all who choose to be miserable.

If you wish to buy a ticket, just throw a fit over something insignificant and allow it to affect the rest of your day. You’ll be on board before you know it.

Thank you for your patronage.

Billy Bruce is a freelance writer who lives in Pedro. He can be contacted at hollandkat3@aol.com.